A Ghost Encounter: My Time with Simon "Ghost" Riley

Part Seventy-Eight: Tête-à-tête

"You're right, you know," Simon takes a steadying breath.

"About?" I ask as I stare straight ahead, through the windshield, and look out at the vast wasteland before us.

"About us needing to be angry at someone. About us taking our pain out on you." He pauses. "But, that doesn't change the fact that you still disobeyed direct orders from your Captain."

I titter, my tone bitter.

"What?" Simon asks defensively.

"Nothing...I just didn't expect you to admit to what you've done wrong." A low blow, but I know he can handle it.

"You can't ever make it easy, can you?" Simon shakes his head.

"Where's the fun in that?" I huff.

We sit in silence for a few moments.

"What do you want me to say?" Simon asks, defeated.

"I don't want you to say anything. Say what you wish," I hiss.

"You have to know I'm not intentionally trying to push you away." He turns his head to face me. I continue to look straight ahead, silently.

"Breanna," Simon sighs deeply. I am sorry."

"Alright,"'I say curtly, dismissively.

"I shouldn't have-"

I cut Simon off.

"How are you feeling?" I ask him.

Confused, he responds with, "How am I feeling?"

"Yes. About Soap." I now turn to face him, our eyes meeting. "We haven't talked about the elephant in the room, not really at least. so talk to me," I plead.

That is all I ever want: for Simon to be open with me. For him to communicate his feelings to me.

Am I asking for too much?

"I don't-" Simon pauses, contemplating.

"You want to prove you're sorry? You want me to believe you're not pushing me away? Then talk to me about how you're feeling," I say seriously.

"Bloody hell..." he sighs through his words.

I know Simon struggles to talk about emotions and with being vulnerable. But if he doesn't, those emotions and those thoughts will eat him alive and one day he'll be too far gone.

It might be a futile effort to try to save him from that, and it's not my job, but he's the only person I have left in this world so I'm going to try my damnest.

"How about I guide you? Tell me this: how did you feel when you found out?"

I hope he knows he can trust me with his emotions.

"Angry," Simon says curtly.

So descriptive...

"Why were you angry?" I ask, trying to stay neutral.

Simon digests that question for a little while, processing his thoughts, and figuring out how to say what he so desperately wants to.

"Because I wasn't there. Because I couldn't save him." His voice trembles ever so slightly.

"I understand what you mean, but you can't blame yourself for something you couldn't control. It isn't your fault." And I mean that.

"Then whose fault is it?" His eyes are full of guilt and disappointment towards himself.

"No one's," I say somberly. "Everyone dies. Soap knew the risks, we all did—and do, and we decided to play our cards. Soap just lost the game."

I look into Simon's eyes and I can almost see the wheels turning.