A Ghost Encounter: My Time with Simon "Ghost" Riley

Part Ninety-Seven: Blossoming

My progress has been slow but steady, which is all I can ask for.

Since Simon took me that day to the park, where he opened his heart to me, six months have passed.

At first, putting down the bottle and not jumping into bed with strangers to avoid my feelings was difficult.

When I got defensive or felt like my emotions would eat me alive I wanted to pour myself a drink. I wanted to call Zach or any other random man I'd been with before for comfort. But instead, I held firm and tried other things.

Reluctantly, I picked up writing as a hobby.

I did indeed go to that appointment Simon and the team scheduled.

I met with a Psychiatrist named Dr. Griffin, who unlike anything therapist I've had before, was incredibly blunt. But that's what I needed.

He pushes me and calls me out on my bullshit, which makes it a lot harder to fall back into old and unhealthy habits.

It was Dr. Griffin's idea for me to start writing. He asked me to keep a journal and to jot down my feelings and thoughts throughout the week which has been, to my surprise, helpful.

I turned down the Task Force's offer to train the new recruits. Not because I was angry with them, but because I decided that being a part of the Task Force was something I no longer wanted to do.

Dr. Griffin told me something in our third session that stood out to me.

After telling him my story—starting with my dad passing away, then my stepfather's abuse, my sister's suicide, the foster care system, and up until now—he told me that the entire twenty-seven years of my life had been spent in constant states of uncertainty, instability, fear, and stress.

He told me that maybe a change of pace would be good. That if I found a place of stability and calm it could give me a chance to find healing within myself.

So, I kept my job at the library and decided to stay at my apartment instead of returning to the base.

Don't get me wrong, there are parts of Task Force 141 that I miss and miss deeply. Like that sense of community.

I also feel like I'm letting my team down by leaving permanently but I'm making myself the priority now and I'm okay with that.

Plus, I still visit the team now and then, and vice versa. Price, Gaz, Laswell, and Simon were even over for dinner a few days ago.

Price and I had an incredibly long and heartfelt, but at some points heated, conversation.

He'd known I felt incredibly betrayed by him for pretending to be grieving Simon alongside me, but I knew that it was beyond his control.

How could I expect him or Simon or Laswell to risk the mission for the sake of my own comfort?

It hasn't been easy, but over the last six months, my relationships with them have gotten better, and grown into something stronger than before.

Amid my time away from the Task Force, and in the process of healing, I've been able to grieve Soap properly.

It's crazy to think he's been gone for almost two years now. Most days I'm able to manage just fine, but if I ever stop and think about him for too long I find myself becoming lost in that grief.

It's still a work in progress, but it's gotten easier for myself, Simon, and the entire team.

Simon took the responsibility of training the new recruits. And knowing Simon, I feel for those poor recruits and what they've been having to deal with.

Simon is still adamant about winning me back, so he made it clear to Laswell and Price that he won't be going on any missions anytime soon and is solely dedicating his work to training.

Besides, Lieutenant Gaz has been taking most missions and doing an outstanding job, I've been told.

After our kiss at the park, I told Simon I was willing to work on building trust with him again.

We still haven't been intimate, aside from a few kisses here and there.

Simon had, for the first time since returning, spent the night at my apartment a month ago and has been sporadically since then.

Nothing ever happens, but it feels like a step in the right direction.

Simon is respectful and more patient than I believed him to be. Not once has he tried to take more than he was given.

Simon wants me to feel like I'm in control and that I have the power to set boundaries.

I miss it, though. The intimacy. And not with just anyone, but with Simon.

The men I had been using as distractions were leagues beneath Simon.

I've found myself, an embarrassing amount of times, wanting to rip Simon's clothes off and take him every chance I get.

But if I did that, if I went back to coping and feeling worthy in the same avoidant ways I had before, then I'd be dooming myself and our relationship.

When I lay with Simon again, I want it to be because we're connecting, not as a means of escapism.

Here's what life looks like for me now: working full-time at the library, therapy once a week, and attending a book club.

A book club is dorky, I know, but it's helped me find community and to my surprise, friends. Their names are Lily and Anna and I've never been more grateful to have two people in my life, people I can connect with, and find sisterhood in, especially after Sarah.

Simon has met them and he approves. Not that it necessarily matters what he thinks of them, but it makes me happy nonetheless. He says they're kind and good company. I agree.

My life isn't perfect, and neither am I, but for the first time in years I've felt calm and stable and like I have a real chance for the future.

I'm hopeful for Simon and me, for our relationship, and for our future, too.

He and I have a date planned for tomorrow.

Again, we haven't been intimate and we technically aren't in a relationship, but I'm hoping for that to change soon.

I don't entirely know how Simon's been spending his free time outside of me.

I haven't dared ask him if he's been sleeping with other women, and even if he has, I've no right to be upset about that.

I've slept with a shameful amount of men since thinking he was dead and even after knowing he wasn't, which I know hurt him deeply.

It's been almost two years, give or take, since Simon and I have had sex and a man has needs...

But tomorrow night I'm going to confront him. I'm going to tell him how I truly feel and for once in my life I'm going to say exactly what I want. I'm going to find out where he wants to take this relationship and if that's what he still wants.

Wish me luck.