Gedankenwelt

Fading scars

(TW: SV/SH)

I know you can't see the scars. Even if I told you about them, you would never be able to really understand it. Probably you would even tell me that it can't be that bad if there aren't real scars that you can still see.

That's at least the way I feel about it sometimes.
Well, I know that these scars could be seen once, that the pain behind them was real.
But still, I don't always feel it. Sometimes it just feels like I don't have any right to write about it, to think about it or to feel hurt at all. It didn't hurt that much. I didn't even manage to make real wounds out of my pain that leave scars on my skin.

There have been scars. And sometimes I hated them. I always had to hide them, there was always this feeling of being discovered at any second. It was exhausting always thinking about them. But I learned not to let them control all my thoughts and my whole life.

But just when I started to accept them, they faded. I've always been kind of afraid of losing them. They've become a part of me, a part of my story. Losing them was like losing part of my identity.
I was right. The more they disappeared, the more I craved for them to stay on for new ones to replace them. I fought against this feeling, telling myself that it's better this way since I don't have to hide anything anymore. But I always knew that this wasn't the complete truth.

I miss the feeling of having to hide my wrists. It's strange to look at them and to see nothing. All the traces of the past, of my past, are gone. None will ever be able to see them again. Nobody will ever see this part of me again, even if I wanted them to. I could tell them about it, but it feels like I have nothing to prove my story.

If I told someone that I self harmed but they can't see any scars, how much does it matter then?

Probably they'd believe me. Probably they'd understand What I went through. Probably they tell me that my story and my feelings matter, even though there are no proves left.
But that won't ever change the way I think of it.