Gedankenwelt

Deadly touch

(TW SA, Death)

She wishes his touch would have been deadly. That his fingers would be cold, such as the ones she read about in the last book she read. It was about a girl who could never touch any plant, animal or human, because whatever she touches, falls dead immediately. She wishes he would just kill her, that everything would have been be over just as soon as he laid his first finger on her. 

Or maybe, she could kill him. Maybe she could make her touch become deadly, kill him because he touches her. She wishes for it so badly, she almost thinks it has to become true. 

But nothing happens. Everything stays the way it is. His hands keep brushing over her skin, leaving a feeling that makes her want to scratch off her skin. His lips stay close to her face, whispering things she wishes she couldn’t hear. His body stays close to her, too close to give her space for breathing.

Maybe that’s how she will die. Maybe she will just suffocate because there isn’t any space left in her chest for air. She feels like her lungs can’t move at all, like she’s been holding her breath ever since he was with her. 

But she doesn’t die. She still feels him next to her. She closes her eyes, trying not to smell him, trying not to hear his whispering. She tries to think of anything, but the only thought she has is that she doesn’t want to be here with him.

Dying wouldn’t be that bad at all. It would mean she wouldn't have to stay here with him. And she wouldn’t have to live with whatever comes next. 

He wouldn’t even notice. She already has her eyes closed, and her breath is going very weakly. Probably, after he’s done with whatever he is going to do, he would notice. But it would be too late for him to change anything by then. Maybe then he would realize that what he is doing right now is not good at all. That having fun like this isn’t something enjoyable. But maybe he would just ignore her, let her lie there on the bed, dead.

Who would find her then? Nobody would do, soon. But she wouldn’t want her dead body to lie here for several days. So maybe it would be best to survive this - even though she has no idea how to do it. And she has no idea how to live with these memories, either. But as long as she won’t suffocate from his weight while lying beaaeth him, she will have to, anyways. 

While he will just keep living the way he did before, not knowing how much of her life he destroyed in just these minutes.

This thought runs through her head just when she feels the weight being lifted up. But instead of feeling free, her chest tightens even more when she looks at his face.