Gedankenwelt

They're coming back again

Your smell, your voice, your words, your actions - they're all coming back again. And I don't know why or how to handle it.
I tell myself you'll never come here again, that I'm safe, that my mind is playing tricks on me when trying to convince me that I'm smelling your perfume or feel your hand on me where you touched me.
I focus on the smells and noises that are actually surrounding me.
I remind myself that I'm safe now, over and over and over again.

But it doesn't stop my hands from sweating. It doesn't stop my body from shaking. It doesn't stop my breath from going faster.

It's like I - rationally - know that I'm in a safe place, but my body and my mind make me feel like they are still trapped in that room with you.
Every part of my body keeps reminding me of you - that places you touched me, the scar on my leg I got after we broke up.
I want to escape it, but these reminders and my physical reaction to my thought make me drown in a neverending circle I can't run away from.

Tears start rolling down my face. I've promised myself that you're not worth it, that you don't deserve my tears. But they are different now.
I don't cry because of the love and the trust you took from me - I cry because of the panic and the hate you gave to me.

I been trying to forget you, trying to forget the details of what happened. But right now, the memories start to feel as they did back then.
And I have no idea how deal with them.