Gedankenwelt

Just one hug

I always loved beeing hugged.
I loved feeling this kind of safety, I loved beeing held.
Hugs were the best medicine to whatever was going on.

You knew that.
You knew that you had to hug me so I'd feel better.
But after this one time I never felt better again.
Your hug just made everything worse.

Everytime someone tries to hold me, all these memories come back.
Everytime somebody touchs me, everything inside me wants to run away.
Everytime someone gives me the hug I just need so hard, everything gets worse.

You broke me.
You broke everything inside of me.
You broke me and left no chance of healing.

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of the memories coming back.
I'm afraid of not beeing able to let anybody close to me again.

I'll never be the same again.
I'll never be able to let anybody hug me without beeing afraid.
I'll never be able to let anybody love me.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I can't be loved.
I'm sorry I'm not able to fix myself.
I'm sorry I still let the memories control my mind.
I'm sorry for pushing away everyone whenever they try to help me.

It hurts.
It hurts so damn hard not beeing able to let anybody help me.
It hurts to hurt everybody else.
It hurts to see how they try so hard until they get hurt, too.
It hurts to not be able to be hugged without thinking about these memories.

You broke me.
You broke everything inside of me.
And you didn't stop until I wasn't able to get at least a little bit of my old Me back.