Gedankenwelt

Somebody's favourite

Would anyone even notice if I disappeared? Everyone is having their friends, the ones they're talking to all the time, the ones they can have fun with and that can spend time with them in real life, that can be with them when they need them. All that, while I’m just lying in my bed, trapped inside of these walls, not able to meet them, to have fun with them, to make them laugh or to find the words to comfort somebody if they need it. I’m just this sad, melancholic person who has to stay at home and writes about their life as if it really mattered, as if anyone would read it, as if anyone would actually care about it. Maybe someone feels seen by these texts, maybe someone is happy somebody else finds the words they aren’t able to say. But haven’t I already said enough? Aren’t all my words just the same as I have told before by now? Would it even matter if I stopped writing? Would it even matter if I stopped existing?

As I said, my friends have other friends. Even my best friend has a best friend - who is obviously not me. Well, my boyfriend actually cares about me. He has other friends that he can actually spend time with. So maybe they would be enough for him if I wasn't here. 

I mean, I don’t really want to stop existing in this world. I just wondered how people would react, how they would keep living. Would they just replace me? Could they? And if they could, how can I be sure they won't do it as long as I am here? How can I be sure that they won’t find a way to move on?

Being the second option is a permanent struggle between the fear of being replaced and knowing that they still chose to spend time with you, even though they already have their first choice. Like, if the first choice was enough to fill the whole time, they wouldn’t need me by now, they wouldn’t spend time with me at all, right?

And I still have one person who thinks that I deserve to be their first choice. Who loves me, who cares for me, who probably wouldn’t be able to keep on going the way they are right now if it wasn’t for me. Maybe I should be happy about that one, maybe I should be more grateful. There are people out there who are really nobody’s first choice - I at least have this one person. 

The one who’s probably by far the biggest reason I’m still here. So, if you ever read this, thank you for giving me a reason to stay, for loving me and putting me first. I don’t know if I really deserve this, but still I’m very grateful to have you in my life.

And to my best friend - if you’re reading this, I know you’ll know you’re the one I’m talking to.

I don’t blame you for having another best friend. I don’t blame you for choosing them over me. I know that I’ve done wrong a lot in the past, and maybe you can’t really rely on me fully anymore. I understand that. I know that I still matter to you, so please don’t think that you are giving me a reason to believe that you wouldn’t do at all.

And to all my other friends, who most likely won’t even read this, with some exceptions, I know you like me. I know that I’m a friend to you, a good one maybe even. Someone you care for, someone you would be sad about if they weren't here anymore. And I won’t leave you. Please don’t think I wouldn’t care about you, or I would believe you didn’t care about me. It’s just that I am never your favourite, and that’s okay. I’m at least one of your choices, and that already makes me grateful. 

Please know that you matter to me. I know that maybe I didn’t show it to you enough in the last time. Maybe I should try more to show you how much you matter to me. I will try. But I can’t promise I will. 

I've been feeling down lately, lonely sometimes. Even though I know I’m not alone. Even though I know that my friends, my best friend, my boyfriend, they are with me. And all the other persons in my life.

So yeah, I guess somebody would notive. I guess somebody would care. I guess I do have a reason to stay here, probably even more than one. And I really hope these will be enough to keep me here.