Gedankenwelt

Nightmares

I'm sitting here, crying. I know I should go to sleep. I know they'd tell me that it can't get better when I stay awake the whole night. But the most of a break I can get is sitting here and listening to the rain. The sound is calming me down until the tears finally stop running down my cheeks. I turn my face towards the window and watch the ting drops chasing each other on the glass. The night is dark, yet full of light because of the street lights. The light reflects on the wet ground and covers the black asphalt in golden glitter.

For the first time today, my mind is completely quiet. Right now, it's just me and the rain. I take a deep breath. I already feel the thoughts creeping back in my mind again, but I try to keep them out for as long as I can so that I can enjoy this moment of peace a little longer.

I take a look at my phone. It's almost midnight. I should try to get some sleep. But I'm afraid of sleeping. I'm afraid of the dreams that wake me up every night and leave me shaking and crying. I haven't had them for a while. I already thought they wouldn't come back again. But they did. At first, it was only one. The next nights went completely fine. But they came back, and they came more regulary.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel even more exhausted then the evening before. Still, I have to get up, to act like everything was normal while there are new pictures chasing me in my mind everyday. Sleeping doesn't mean rest anymore, but the risk of getting new memories that can haunt me.

I know that I'll have to sleep. I know that I won't stay awake the whole night. Nevertheless, I know that it'll take an eternity to fall asleep because I'll be too scared of the nightmares.