Gedankenwelt

Your fault, my fault

I loved you. I loved you and you knew it and you used it.
And now you haunt me, with every step I do, every breath I take. I hate you for that and I hate myself for letting you have such a big influence on me and I hate myself for blaming you for everything. Everytime I'm down, the thoughts about you start to rise again, and I hate that I can't stop them and I hate that I always get to blame you this way because you're always there when I have a bad day, when I feel like screaming, crying, dying.
Even when it's not even your fault.

It's not fair. I know that. Nothing of all of this is fair. What you did to me wasn't fair. What I did to you isn't fair. The way I talk about you in my texts - what of this is even real? What of this is just my mind making you the villain of my story because it is just the easiest way I can choose?
What if you are not the problem?
What if I am the problem and I only blame you so that I don't have to deal with myself?
Why do I think that I could just put all the blame on you?

The panic, the fear, the tears. It doesn't even feel real anymore. It feels like I'm just forcing myself into it, because I can't give up on you being the reason for everything bad. What if this protection breaks down?

But maybe, just maybe, it actually is real. Maybe it's not my fault all these memories are coming back again, pushing me deeper when I'm already on the ground.

But I am the one always thinking about you. How could it be your fault? You hurt me. But I hurt myself so many times more, reminding myself of you, trying to forget you, to forget your voice, your smell, your face, your touch.

Did I do this to myself? Am I the reason I can't forget you?

I don't know what I could have done differently, better. I don't know if I could have done anything differently at all. But it feels so wrong, it feels so wrong hating you, thinking of you, forgiving you, not forgiving you, forgetting you, remembering you. Everything is just wrong, and it's my mind where all of this happens.

I can't blame you anymore. It's not your fault anymore. It was your fault when you did what you shouldn't have done, it was your fault when you hurt me over and over again, it was your fault when you broke me just a bit more when you broke up with me.

But it's not your fault that I can't forget you, can't forgive you, can't let go off the memories, the nightmares.

~1.11.2025