(TW: Suicidal thoughts)
I want to throw it all away.
My friends, my love, my school, my family, everything.
Everything that ever meant something to me.
I feel like I don't deserve it - or like they don't deserve me.
They don't deserve this burden.
They don't deserve to have to worry about me everyday.
I don't want to die.
I want to escape it.
This life.
This prison I call my home.
I want to bring the people with me that I really care about,
I want them to see how nice I can be, how loving, how wonderful, when I'm not caged in this life.
But I can't.
I can't run away.
I can't escape this life.
Not together with my friends.
Not without losing every chance of anything getting better again.
Not without letting ever fight I ever fought against my own thoughts become worthless.
I feel guilty.
I feel guilty for even having these toughts.
For not appreciating the little breaks of everyday life I already get.
For wanting to leave them sometimes.
They don't deserve this.
But I don't know how to change.
The only thing I know is this emptiness inside of me that is eating me alive.
The distant feeling that slowly takes over everything.
I feel distanced from myself,
distanced from what I feel
distanced from what is around me
And then, everything comes crashing down on me at once, voices of my memories screaming at me, pictures rushing through them like lightning.
But suddenly
They stop
They stay above me, just a bit over my head
And they scream and yell
But they can't reach me
I want to drown in them
I want them to take me away and then vanish again
But they keep hanging above me, replaying memories I try to forget, yelling things I try to ignore.
I try to run away from them
But they stay over my head like a dark, heavy cloud
Threatening to drain me in the rain
But not letting more than a single drop at a time reach me
I don't know how long I can stand this never ending threat that never really comes to life.
I've escaped from it many times, more than I can count.
But I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep standing this time.
~21.09.2025
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