Gedankenwelt

Behind me

(TW: SA)

I can't wear my headphones.
There's this constant fear of someone standing behind me. Of him standing behind me.
I know that I'm at home, I know that nothing will happen to me right now, that nobody is going to appear behind me.
But still, I'm scared of not hearing everything around me.

I'm looking behind me all the time.
I feel watched.
I want to close my door, but at the same time, I'm scared of being locked inside this room.

I'm alone here.
This thought is calming and terrifying.

My breath comes too fast, too shallow.
I don't dare moving too much, breathing too loud.

It's almost as bad as when I sat at school, the teacher who looks like him standing right behind me.
I couldn't see him in the reflection of my tablet screen.
I only heard his steps stopping right behind me.

I couldn't move.
I could barely breathe.
My hands started shaking and sweating.
I couldn't look behind me.
I just felt him standing behind me.

My thoughts were filled with the feeling of him touching me from behind.
I imagined his hands slowly gliding over my pullover.

I knew it wouldn't happen.
I just prayed for him to keep walking.

He didn't.
He stood there, not making any sounds.
Not knowing what he was doing drove me crazy.

After what felt like on eternity, he finally moved again, but the damage was done.
My head almost sank onto the table because my muscles finally relaxed a bit.
My lungs finally felt some air inside of them again.

And now, I'm sitting here at home, shaking, feeling trapped and with a heavy weight on my chest.
And I wonder when I will finally be able to heal without the panic overwhelming me over and over again.

~28.11.2025