Persona 5 - The Jester's Point Of View

Scene 179

There are things they had not actively thought about. After all, they thought that they would be fine if they just didn’t engage with it in their head. If they just pushed it aside and continued living on as if nothing was wrong. As if nothing was going wrong in their life. If they just suck everything up and move forward. That was supposed to be their future, right? Going to continue their life like this, just moving forward and managing to ignore their inner turmoil.

Did it solve anything? No. But did it have to? Also no. If they just moved on from everything and ignored it then it should be all fine. But this was probably the worst discovery they could have made. All they could do was lie there and think about it, back on it. What their Shadows had said, or one of them at least. Something they had long forgotten about…

“ The story is about a young girl, the outcast of society. But why could that be? She doesn’t know. However, she did manage to put the pieces together on her own. And once she realizes… Well, let’s just say that she struggles. People do not take her seriously, call her names and isolate her… Which ends with her seeking out revenge on all who wronged her. Doesn’t that sound interesting? ”

Revenge on everyone who had wronged them in the past. Who had laughed at them, called them a ‘weirdo’ or ‘crossdresser’, showing openly their disgust. Those who pointed their fingers at them…

“Don’t forget that she’s also a crossdresser.”

“Crossdresser? What? Is she a guy?”

“I dunno… But I’ve seen her wearing guy’s clothes too when out.”

“What!? No way!”

“Yeah yeah! I heard that she started in middle school! Wanted people to call her by another name too whenever she did.”

“Wait what? Ugh… That’s disgusting~”

“Right right?”

Or saying stuff like…

“Why are you wearing the male school uniform? Are you stupid?”

“Luka? You started to debut as some crossdresser? Got a blog? Or… Wait, maybe you’ve been crossdressing as a chick this whole time!?”

“Trying to get into someone’s pants? Wow… You’re pathetic!”

“Anja, Luka, whatever you are. No one would care if you disappeared one day. No one is going to miss a weirdo crossdresser.”

Each word when thinking back on it cut deep. As they grew older they of course picked out this double life. To avoid those words, to not be hurt like that. And yet that wouldn’t change the past pain, would it? And truth to be told… That last sentence stuck out to them the most.

“ People do not take her seriously, call her names and isolate her… Which ends with her seeking out revenge on all who wronged her. ”

Seeking revenge… It was wrong to even entertain the idea. Fight fire with fire? Because that is going to end well. It’s not, they knew. And yet the ugly thoughts came not creeping back but rushing back instantly. Thoughts they wanted to say that they had left in the past. Thoughts which had manifested at the time, when they were lying there one night and letting their mind just wander around. All of these were unpleasant thoughts, involving the spilling of blood in some way or bashing someone into a state they wouldn’t be recognizable anymore. Seeing those people in pain, having them scream, beg for forgiveness. But they wouldn’t let them. After all, what was their pain in comparison? Everyone had brought it upon themselves.

People were just a hassle as well. The thoughts being always the same, driven by seemingly a hivemind instead of having opinions on their own. That was why everyone had ganged up on them in the past. It was the ‘right thing to do’. It was easy. No one understood. And it wasn’t sad. It was infuriating. It was something Lukanja didn’t get and will never get. 

They had it all pushed aside however. Their anger, their pain – Everything just needed to be locked up. They would forget… Right? Yeah, that was the plan. But that Palace proved differently. Seeing the cover of a bleeding out person, of them, yet also hearing that summary of the story it belonged to… If they so wished, they probably could wipe everything out. It was ever so tempting. But no, they didn’t. They shouldn’t. Yet their hands were shaking in anticipation, especially as everything came back, bubbling inside. It was as if they were a pot with hot water and it finally started to boil over. 

This feeling, they hated it. They hated it so much. ‘If I could just forget…’ – A blessing yet that was asking for too much. They would never get their wish in any capacity. Because it was just coming back… All of it. The worst… The very worst…

They could only draw one conclusion from all of this…  “ A Palace proves it… I am disgusting. I am terrible. It’s better for everyone if I disappear… Before I start harming others. I should just die. ”