I'll Save You - Spirk

Chapter Eleven

A/N
Hey guys :) Happy Star Wars day ;)

*Spock's POV*

I hurried away from my T'hy'la, struggling to keep my facial expression neutral, while inside I was screaming at myself, disgusted.

Jim had done one thing, one thing that I hadn't expected, and I completely freaked out. I lost it. Lost control of my emotions and let the fear win.

I reached my room and threw myself at my bed, stuffing my face in my pillow to prevent my silent scream being heard.

Dammit! I shouldn't have left him like that, now he'll realise how much of a freak I am, he's probably going to tell everyone and he'll never want to see or talk to me again.

Why? I had a chance to have a real friendship here, and I screwed it up. Just like I screw everything up.

"You don't deserve him, or his kindness" my mind whispered to me, the dark thoughts clouding my mind, paralysing me "you don't deserve friends, a T'hy'la, and even if you did, why would they want you? Your pathetic"

I sat up and covered my ears with my hands, screwing my eyes closed, "shutupshutupshutupshutup" I muttered over and over again.

After a few minutes, when I had calmed down a bit, I walked into my bathroom.

I leant against the sink and looked at my face in the mirror. Tears tracks ran down my face from tears that I wasn't aware had managed escape.

I washed my face with cold water a few times and watched as it slowly transformed back into my usual, disinterested mask.

I walked back into the main part of my room, just as someone banged on my door. I felt dread rising, who was outside my door? And what do they want with me?

I walked over and opened it a bit, then fully when I saw it was Jim standing outside holding two take-away coffee cups.

"Can we talk?" He asked, holding one out to me. I nodded, relieved and took it, stepping aside for him to enter.

"Sorry" he said as he walked past me "I know you said you didn't want coffee now, but you seem upset before, and well, I guess I was a little worried, so, I thought I'd bring you coffee here" he rambled.

I was still trying to process the fact that he cared enough to come here, to make sure I was okay.

"How did you know where my room is?" I asked, the fact that I never gave him this information dawning on me. "I have my ways" he winked at me, smiling slyly "latte, right?" He asked, motioning towards my cup.

I looked down in surprise "yes, thanks"

I motioned him to the only chair in the room - the one at my desk, while I sat on my bed.

I nursed my coffee, avoiding his eyes and taking a sip.

He drank some of his coffee while looking around my relatively empty room, smiling crookedly all the time.

"So, who's that?" he asked, gesturing to the only photo in the room, the one of my parents. "My mother and father" I replied as he examined it.

"Your mothers human" he said in surprise after a second "so, your half human?" he checked, looking up at me.

"Yes" I replied stiffly, wondering what he would make of this.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you" he amended quickly, looking slightly concerned.

I felt my eyebrows go up "that is alright, the truth does not offend me"

We sat in silence for a while, the comfortable kind of silence, each of us reflecting.

At least that was what I was doing, thinking about the events that led to this moment. I honestly can't think of a better T'hy'la, I wonder how I will tell him about the bond. Maybe I won't, maybe I'll just see how things go from here.

It was impossible to know what Jim was thinking about, he was just sitting there, frowning into his cup.

A ringtone sounded, and Jim felt around in his pockets for a second before bringing his communicator to his ear.

"Hey" he said, shooting me an apologetic look. I shrugged slightly at him, indicating that it was alright, and studied his face as he turned away slightly.

The corner of his mouth turned down and his eyebrows furrowed at whatever the person on the other end of the call was saying.

I shifted awkwardly and looked down at my hands, intertwining them then pulling them apart again nervously. With Jim I felt relatively comfortable, but anyone else......

I almost laughed aloud at this illogical thought, the other person wasn't even in the room!

"Yeah yeah, I'll be there soon" Jim grumbled before turning the communicator off and putting it away. "Sorry Spock, I'm going to have to cut this short, see you soon?" he looked at me, concern still in his eyes.

I nodded and rose, walking to the door with him "soon" I replied, automatically holding my hand up in the Vulcan farewell. To my surprise, he returned it, although he did look like he was trying not to laugh.

After he was gone I went back and sat on my bed again, after throwing out the empty coffee cup.

For once in life I felt......... Happy.

But that's not a good thing, I'm a Vulcan for Gods sake! I should not be feeling anything!

I felt anger and disappointment at myself rising inside me, my emotions turning dark and ugly within seconds.

I closed my eyes and tried to fall into meditation, succeeding after several failed attempts.

I fell deeper and deeper into my mind, the emotions all but forgotten in my trace-like state of unfeeling bliss.