I'll Save You - Spirk

Chapter Sixty Nine

*Jim's POV*

After Bones left Kevin tried to distract me with the latest gossip.

I wasn't really listening, but I did appreciate the effort he was making.

I was too busy thinking about Spock. What was he doing now? Was he thinking about me?

Probably not, he was probably busy with something, maybe one of those factual books he liked reading.

"Jim?" Kevin's quiet voice brought me back to my room and I blinked over at him tiredly.

"Yeah?"

Kevin hesitated before standing. "Will you be okay by yourself? I have a few things I need to take care of, I can come back in the morning?"

I nodded slightly, "I'll be fine, you don't have to come back if you don't want to."

"Okay," he said quietly, squeezing my shoulder on his way past.

When he was gone I curled up again, replaying memories of Spock over and over again.

..........

"You awake kid?"

I opened my eyes and blinked over at Bones, my mind sluggish even though I hadn't slept.

He had gone to talk to Spock.

I shot up. "What did he say?!?" I asked desperately and he shrugged slightly.

"Not much. He didn't want me there. I told him about your panic attack and he, well, panicked. I don't know kid, he was acting pretty weird. Weirder than normal that is. I asked him why he dumped you and he just said it was 'for the best'. Whatever that means."

I winced internally at Spock 'dumping' me, although I guess that is what he did.

"Anyway, I have plans with a friend tonight, will you be okay by yourself? I can rearrange if you want company."

I shook my head firmly. "Nah, go. I'll be fine."

He grumbled under his breath and, with one final doubtful look in my direction, left.

My communicator chimed and I pulled it out, it was from Spock. I opened it hesitantly, not sure if I really wanted to read it. I can't deal with any more rejection.

I am sorry. Please believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you.
-Spock

I put the device away shakily, laying down and resting my cheek against the cold pillow.

The material quickly became soaked, but I didn't move, I just stared at the wall and tried to comprehend a life without my perfect Vulcan.

...............

I must have fallen asleep, because suddenly I had a pounding headache and could feel dried tears on my face.

I remembered that I never replied to Spock's message, so I grabbed my communicator again.

Spock, I'm so sorry I didn't realise how unhappy you were. I know I've already said it, I just want you to know. This is all fault, I should have been more aware of your needs. I want you to know that if I could go back and change things, I would. I'm sorry.
~Jim

I sent the message without checking it. I needed him to know, and if I read it I would probably never send it.

I waited for almost 20 minutes, staring at the silent device in despair. He wasn't going to reply. Oh god he probably hates me.......

Something occurred to me and I checked the time, relaxing slightly. It was 0500 hours, Spock was probably sleeping.

I put my communicator away and sighed, running a hand through my hair.

I doubt I'll get anymore sleep now.

.............

I pulled myself together enough to leave my room by around 1700 hours.

It was very quiet, normally I didn't mind the quiet, but today it's just chilling.

I started heading to the gym, hoping some exercise might give me some peace of mind.

I was stopped halfway there by Uhura, who was standing with Kevin and Amanda Greyson, looking worried.

"Where's Spock?" She asked anxiously, which sparked panic in me.

"I don't know, why? What's wrong?"

She glanced back at Amanda, who looked close to tears. "When did you last see him? Were you the last to see him?" Amanda asked, her voice soft and shaky.

"Yesterday? And no, Bones saw him last night. What's happened?"

"We don't know," Kevin admitted. "Just no one can find him. He's not in his room and we've looked around the whole academy. I mean he could be anywhere, but....." My heart started pounding as I realised what he was saying.

"With Carol missing as well...." Uhura finished for him, then frowned. "Yesterday? Why weren't you with him last night? Why was McCoy with him instead?" She asked suspiciously and I stared at her blankly while Kevin scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Um, they broke up." He muttered and Uhura whipped her head around to stare at him, before swinging around to glare at me.

"You what?!? Kirk how could you! Spock adores you, why would you..... You idiot!"

I glared at her, suddenly furious. "Look, Uhura. Don't pretend you know what happened between Spock and I."

Uhura paused, taken aback by my anger and suddenly looking uncertain.

"What happened, Jim?" Amanda asked softly and I glanced at her quickly before looking away. She had the exact same soft brown eyes as Spock, I couldn't look at her.

"He ended it, okay? Not me." I growled and turned to go. "I'm going to look for him, let me know if you find anything."

"Wait, Jim!" Uhura called after me but I didn't look back.