I'll Save You - Spirk

Chapter Sixty Six

*Jim's POV*

I typed the message to Spock clumsily, my trembling hands making it take twice as long as it normally would.

He probably doesn't want to talk to me anymore, but I have to let him know I'm still here.

I let out a shaky sob as I curled into a ball on my bed, tears running freely down my face.

I can't believe I didn't see this coming. I saw every other breakup coming from a mile away, but I guess I always assumed what Spock and I had was permanent.

I clenched my jaw at the memory of his face last night, how he avoided my touch and the pain in his voice when he spoke.

At the time I assumed he was just cracking under the pressure, and he just needed me to be there for him.

It still should have been some indication, but why did he then cuddle up to me and ask me to sing for him?

Was it purely for my benefit?

How long have I been blissfully ignorant to his unhappiness? Weeks? Months? The whole relationship?

I thought...... I was so sure he loved me as much as I love him. I thought he was the one. The one I would be with forever.

We would graduate together, then serve on the same ship as a bonded couple. I could imagine us spending our leave together on some isolated holiday planet, or maybe with one of our families.

Stupid. Naive.

Then it really registered. I would never have that with Spock.

My chest started heaving with sobs as I pictured his perfect face, and I could feel the beginnings of a panic attack coming on.

The door opened and I screwed my eyes shut even tighter, desperately gasping for breath.

"Jim!" Kevin's familiar voice sounded terrified and I heard him running over to me.

I felt him grabbing me and pulling me up against him, but I couldn't speak to him, all I could see was Spock flashing through my mind - When he was scared, angry, amused.

"Jim! Come on Jim, can you hear me?"

Kevin sounded funny, as if he was speaking through water. Spock doesn't like water, was he under the water too?

"The hells going on in here! JIM! You bastard! What've you done to him?!?"

I felt a pressure on my neck, but was too distracted by Spock's face in my mind to care.

My vision began going dark around the edges, but I struggled to stay conscious as his smile flashed in my mind. It lit up his whole face, highlighting all his dark beauty.

"Lie him down, no, on his side."

His smile disappeared and became a frown, his voice cold as he told me we were over, again and again.

"Easy..... Stop fighting it you damn fool."

I gave into the calming darkness.

...........

I woke with a pounding headache and a sick feeling in my stomach.

I sat up slowly and blinked owlishly over at Bones and Kevin, who were sitting on the other bed.

"Morning," Bones drawled, glaring at me.

"What's that look for?" I mumbled, rubbing my temple and yawning.

"You tell me. What the hell happened?"

I frowned in confusion and Kevin raised his eyebrows. "I walked in and you were having a full blown panic attack. McCoy had to sedate you to get you to calm down."

Everything came crashing back to me and I lowered my head, slightly ashamed to feel tears pricking at my eyes again.

"Spock. He left."

I glanced up at them to see their reaction, but all I got was blank stares.

"So? Where'd he go?" Kevin asked in confusion and I shook my head violently, temporarily forgetting about my headache.

"No, I mean he left. He left me, he ended things."

"Oh shit," Kevin's eyes widened while Bones rolled his eyes.

"So? I bet he'll come crawling back to you eventually. You two are pathetic together."

I let the tears fall. "I don't think he will. You didn't hear him Bones, he sounded like he hated me."

Bones scoffed. "Bullshit. I've never seen two people more into each other. You two are........"

"Perfect for each other?" Kevin suggested and Bones shook his head.

"Dangerously co-dependent." Bones took a deep breath in, then scrunched his face up as if he was about to do something extremely unpleasant.

"It'll be okay kid. I'll go talk to the green blooded hobgoblin, see what's going on."

I raised my head as he got up. "Don't... Don't blame him or anything will you? He didn't do anything wrong. It..... I think it's my fault."

Bones rolled his eyes and left me and Kevin alone.

"He's right you know. It'll be okay." Kevin said quietly after a moments silence.

"Either this will just be some mistake, you two will get back together and be stronger than ever. Or you'll move on and be okay. Remember how bad things were after you and Carol broke up? You were okay, these things just take some time."

I closed my eyes, trying to picture Spock's smile again, but I was already having trouble recalling it. How long before I forget the sight?

"This is different. I loved Carol, being with her was...... Nice. But I saw our relationship falling apart. I was already pretty much over her by the time we actually broke up. This is different. I love him so much, I don't think I'll ever get over him."

I could feel myself losing it again and he came over to me, giving me a reassuring hug.

"Then we get him back."