I'll Save You - Spirk

Chapter Thirty Nine

*Spock's POV*

We studied in silence for another 2.73 hours. Although I tried to fully concentrate on my work I couldn't help but be distracted by the guilty looks Jim kept sending my way.

In a way I was relieved by the message - not that it wasn't worrying, it threatened not only Jim and myself, but everyone who has become my friend this year - enough that to classify it as 'worrying' would be an understatement.

However I did, illogically, find it preferable to the alternative, that Jim was pulling away because he did not wish to be involved with me anymore.

That was my original, logical, thought on the first day. Whenever I spoke or tried to touch him he would just brush me off and smile vaguely.

Then when it was approaching the time we would usually retire for the night, he walked me back to my room and dropped me off - rather then share my bed with me as he usually did.

No, he left me alone to puzzle over his actions - to question everything I did that day and try to determine where I went wrong.

I didn't sleep that night.

Then the next morning he greeted me with his usual bright, warm smile and I wondered if I had imagined the whole thing - maybe he didn't stay the previous night because he was unwell or had pressing matters to attend.

But to my dismay, after the initial greeting the day passed like the last. He replied to my questions but didn't engage in conversation, and he ignored all my attempts to indicate that I wanted to touch him.

That night he didn't even walk me home, we were sitting with some other friends and he excused himself early, claiming he was exhausted hours before he usually retired.

Part of me expected to find him sleeping in my room when I excused myself precisely two hours later, however I was disappointed.

The next morning he didn't greet me like he did the day before, he just smiled vaguely as I entered the room.

I was unsurprised when the day passed like the previous two, and somehow managed to push my emotions so far away that I barely noticed how early he excused himself.

I first considered that it might be something other than me when McCoy asked me if I knew what was wrong with him, and I found out he was treating everyone like that, not just me.

I woke up this morning determined to demand to know what was going on, and got my chance when we were studying alone.

Now here we are, except I am too relieved to get much real study done - and Jim is too busy feeling guilty to do anything either.

So I put my textbook aside with a sigh and turned to Jim, who immediately sensed my gaze and looked up.

I opened my mouth to say something but then closed it again, having no clue as to how I should proceed.

"Are you ready to leave?" Jim asked, probably being able to guess at least part of what I was thinking.

I nodded mutely and we stood up with our things, slowly winding our way around the crowded tables and exiting the building.

The walk to my room was silent and the closer we got the more nervous I became, what will happen now? Will he stay, or just drop me off again? I don't know if I can handle another night like the last few.

We reached my door and I opened it with shaking hands. I took a few steps in and looked over my shoulder at Jim, who was standing awkwardly outside.

"Are you.... Are you staying tonight?" I whispered and he shifted uncomfortably

"Only if you don't mind" he muttered back and I reached for his hand, gently tugging him inside and closing the door behind us.