I'll Save You - Spirk

Chapter Sixty Seven

*Spock's POV*

I pulled my knees up to my chest and leant against the wall just outside the bathroom, trembling as I thought about the heartbroken look on Jim's face.

A message came through and I glanced at it, both hoping it was from Jim and fearful it would be him at the same time.

It wasn't, and a small part of my brain registered I should be proud - the unknown number didn't spark any emotion.

In fact I felt nothing for anything that wasn't Jim, but instead of being glad about the lack of emotion I only felt an aching emptiness.

Jim was the bright star in my life that illuminated everything, he was the brightest star in the whole universe. Without him everything seemed to fade into irrelevance.

I opened the message with a sigh, not really caring what they had to say.

Good, you've made the right choice Spock. Again, we both know Jim will heal faster without you around. Go to the far north side of the academy at 0300 hours tomorrow morning, one of my men will meet you and bring you to me. Then we'll figure out what to do with you.

Again, I felt nothing at their words. No twinge of anxiety about what was coming, no regret at leaving my friends and family to go to what was almost certainly going to be my death.

And there was nothing I could do to alert Captain Pike of their identity - or to physically hurt them. Of course they were not going to meet me themselves - and no doubt they'll take any weapons or communication devices.

Stupid. Come on Spock, where's your plan?

I jumped slightly at Jim's voice in my head.

"Jim?" I whispered to the empty room, silently praying to any known deities that I would hear his sweet voice again.

Spock, be logical. You know it's not really me, it's just in your head. Still, this is a terrible idea.

"It's the only option, my beautiful T'hy'la."

A knock on my door startled me and I wiped the moisture off my face, standing and calling for them to enter.

A small flicker of surprise registered when I saw it was McCoy, we didn't exactly get along that well and he tended to avoid me if he could.

"Oh good, you're home." He sounded annoyed as he crossed the room and collapsed on my desk chair, glaring across the room at me.

"Can I help you?" I asked as politely as I could, although I would rather just tell him to leave.

McCoy muttered something darkly under his breath and kept glaring at me for a little longer before speaking.

"What did you do to Jim?"

I felt a spark of something in my chest at his name, partly excitement and partly pain.

"I do not know what you are talking about." I said as flatly as I could and McCoy let out an unamused bark of laughter.

"Nothing? Well that's not what it looked like. I walked in on Jim having a full blown panic attack, and all he said was that you had left him - this is after I sedated him enough to get him calm enough to say anything that made any damn sense!"

Panic spiked inside me at his words. "Is he okay?" I asked frantically and McCoy scoffed rolling his eyes.

"Oh great, you do sill care about him. I don't know, he was quite a bit calmer when I left and that Kevin kid's with him. I just don't know though. Look, I'm a doctor, I've seen quite a few panic attacks in my time but that.... That was scary. He must have some kind of condition, a single panic attack is not usually that bad. Explains why I'm his roommate I guess."

He seemed to be more talking to himself when he finished so I stayed quiet, but my head was chaos.

My fault, my T'hy'la is in pain and its all my fault. Why is Kevin comforting him? I should be be the one comforting him.

I could go back to him now, explain why I did it and beg for his forgiveness - no. I must see this through.

"Why did you do it?"

McCoy asked suddenly, snapping me out of my pained thoughts.

"Excuse me?" I asked, confused.

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Why did you break up with him? You clearly still..... Have feelings, for him - and obviously he's nuts for you."

"It was for the best," I said quietly, the pain obvious in my voice.

McCoy's eyes widened slightly, "Oh no, please don't start crying on me - it's bad enough when Jim does that."

My chest ached at the thought of my beautiful Ashayam crying, but I somehow managed to keep my face straight.

"Is it for the best though? Jim's a complete mess, and from what I can see you are as well. Look, I don't know what you're doing or what you're thinking, but Jim needs you. Don't stay away from him too long."

McCoy left without giving me chance to say anything else, and as soon as he was gone the tears began falling again.

I curled up on my bed, it seemed so much bigger and colder without Jim lying there next to me.

The cuts on my side ached where they pressed against the sheets, but I didn't move.

I deserved all this pain, and so much more for the pain I caused my T'hy'la.

It was 2100 hours. All there was to do was wait.

No, there was one last thing I could do before I go.

I am sorry. Please believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you.
-Spock

I sent one last message to my dearest T'hy'la, just hoping he doesn't hate me too much.