I'll Save You - Spirk

Chapter Seventy Seven

*Jim's POV*

Spock had shifted in his sleep and by the time I woke up he was pretty much lying on me.

He was still fast asleep and I had to smile at the peaceful look on his face.

His mouth was slightly open and he was snoring softly. As if he sensed my gaze he shifted, lifting an arm up and wrapping it around my shoulders.

I shifted slightly in response, lifting a hand up to brush some stray hair from his face, my heart aching.

It was stupid, I had him back now. So why did my heart still feel like it was shattered into a million pieces?

Maybe it was because I was still having trouble believing this was real. That after everything that had happened, Spock really did still love me.

He shifted again, a small smile flickering across his face.

I smiled sadly as he snuggled closer, wondering absently what he was dreaming about.

There certainly wasn't any question about my feelings for him.

I pressed a gentle kiss against the top of his head, closing my eyes again and trying to push the unsettling feelings aside.

He was safe, I had him. Nothing else mattered.

............

I drifted in and out of sleep for several more hours before Spock stirred.

He stiffened and let out a quiet cry of fear and pain, twisting away from me and curling up on himself protectively.

"Spock?" I whispered in concern, touching his shoulder lightly.

"T'hy'la?" He asked fearfully, turning his head around to look at me.

"It's okay love, I'm here." I muttered as he moved to wrap himself around me, burying his face in my chest and shaking uncontrollably.

He mumbled something unintelligible and I rubbed his back soothingly, whispering comforting words in his ear.

Almost ten minutes passed before he pulled away, his face flushed.

"I am sorry, I...." He trailed off, avoiding my gaze.

"Are you okay?" I asked simply, reaching across the space between us and touching his hand.

He shivered and closed his eyes, nodding. "Yes, I just..... I thought yesterday had been a dream and I was back..... There. I panicked. I apologise."

I let my hand fall away and his eyes flew open, his face anxious as he saw my frown.

"T'hy'la? Did I say something wrong?"

"No," I sighed, looking away as I tried to figure out how to phrase it.

"Something's.... Off between us. I know you can feel it too. Somethings not right, and I don't like it."

Spock's face completely fell. "I have ruined our relationship." He concluded sadly and I shook my head in frustration, sitting up.

"No, that's not what I meant."

He sat up as well, his fingers fidgeting nervously as he watched me.

"What do you mean then?" Spock whispered, his voice cracking.

I could hear his fear, it was the same fear I was desperately trying to dismiss, the fear that our relationship would never be the same as it was before.

"I don't know." I ran a hand through my hair, squeezing my eyes shut. "It's just.... You were comfortable with me - we were comfortable with each other before. You used to be able to tell me how you felt, and I used to be able to figure out what you wanted, what you needed from me. Now I have no idea what you're thinking. I don't even know if you actually want this relationship still, or if you are just saying you do."

I stopped, my eyes still shut. I had already said more than I meant to. Spock was silent.

A few minutes passed before I felt a hand touch my shoulder lightly.

I opened my eyes to see Spock looking at me uncertainly, leaning towards me.

His eyes searched my face for a moment and I let out a sigh as his hand hesitantly slid up to cup my face.

I stayed still as he slowly stroked my cheek with trembling fingers, and after a moment he let his hand fall.

"I am afraid."

His voice was quiet and he was looking down at his lap again, but he sounded open, honest.

I took his hand and rubbed my thumb over his knuckles comfortingly. "What are you afraid of?" I encouraged gently when he gave no signs of continuing.

"I am afraid of losing you. While we were... Apart, I thought of you constantly. I was afraid I would never see you again, that I would never get the chance to apologise. I was afraid that you would move on, and that if I did see you again you would not want me anymore. I am afraid that what I have done cannot be undone, that the damage to the connection we share cannot be healed."

I let out the breath I had been holding and he glanced up, clearly trying to judge my reaction.

"Oh sweetheart," I sighed, brushing his hair aside with my free hand before picking his other hand up.

"I would never be able to move on, and nothing in the universe could ever make me stop wanting you. This.... Damage, might take time and probably a lot of effort heal, but as long as you still want this, I will fight for it. I'm not going to let you slip away, not again."

He looked up at me, relief and love shining in his eyes.

"Thank you, Ashayam." He whispered, shifting closer and leaning in to kiss me gently.

It was slow and sweet and pure bliss.

It lasted a few more moments before he stiffened and pulled away, his face scrunching up slightly.

"Are you okay?" I asked breathlessly and he started to nod, then changed his mind.

"It hurts," he admitted with a quiet whimper.

"Stay here, I'll grab your meds." I stood and walked over to where I had left the bottle of pills last night, grabbing two and taking them back to Spock.

He swallowed them quickly and lay down, gesturing for me to join him.

I lay next to him carefully, trying not to jostle the mattress in case it caused him more pain.

He immediately reached to pull me closer and started tracing my arm with his two fingers, a frown of concentration on his face.

I stayed quiet as he thought, just trying to memorise his face again. He glanced up briefly before looking down again, his cheeks turning green.

"Jim, I wish to...... I was wondering if you are amenable to...." He stopped, the colour in his face deepening.

I touched a Vulcan kiss to his cheek. "What do you want, Spock?"

"I wish.... To meld with you. If you are willing."