I'll Save You - Spirk

Chapter Forty Four

*Jim's POV*

I stood outside the door for several minutes in silence, trying to figure out what I could possibly say to fix things.

I finally managed to find enough courage to open the door, and I walked into the darkness quietly, shutting the door gently behind me.

It didn't take long for my eyes to adjust to the dark and I could see the outline of Spocks body under the quilt.

I knew he was awake and aware of my presence by how stiffly he was lying, and I internally kicked myself.

Why hadn't I listened to him and just let it go?

"Spock?" I whispered and he stiffened even more. "Yes Jim?" he replied, his voice wobbling ever so slightly.

"Do you mind if I stay? Or would you rather I went back to my own room?" I asked, the sick feeling in my stomach increasing.

"You may stay," Spock replied quietly and I breathed a sigh of relief, he was letting me stay, that's got to be a good sign, right?

I slid under the covers but then paused, refraining from touching him when I noticed that he hadn't relaxed at all.

"Spock" I whispered again, reaching my hand out longingly but stopping before it touched his stiff back.

"I am so sorry Spock" I muttered in defeat, praying that he would understand.

"I.... I was just so angry. They hurt you so much, and I wasn't there to protect you. And then you were asking me not to do anything and I didn't listen. I'm so sorry... Did, did you hurt yourself while I was gone?" My heart thumped in my throat as I waited for his response. Had my stupidity made him self harm?

After a few tense seconds Spock's head jerked downwards in a nod, and I felt my heart tearing itself apart again.

"Spock" I choked out. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" my chest started heaving with sobs as I blabbered out apologies and Spock seemed to deflate.

"Please do not cry Jim" he whispered and I tried to silence myself, with little success.

"I do not think that you understand" he continued after a pause. "I am not worthy of your tears. Any pain those people caused me was not worth you hurting them, or the risk that they might have hurt you. If I hurt myself, that is completely my fault an-"

"Spock" I cut him off, unable to hear any more. My voice shook and I sniffled grossly but I continued, needing him to understand.

"You are worth everything. You deserve everything. They had no right to cause you pain, and they can't go around thinking that they can just hurt you like that. I just wanted to protect you, but I was in the wrong place. I should have been here, with you when you needed me. You can't see how absolutely perfect you are, you deserve someone who is always there for you when you need them, someone that can move planets for you. But I selfishly keep you to myself, because even though I can't give you everything you deserve and I always mess things up, I love you with all my heart. I don't know what I would be without you."

Spocks shoulders were shaking with silent sobs by the time I finished and I finally caved, brushing his side with my fingertips.

"Spock" I pleaded desperately and he nodded in permission. "Thank you" I breathed, shuffling closer and brushing my hand over the bandage on his stomach before laying it flat against his chest.

I nuzzled my face between his shoulder blades and he finally relaxed, bringing his hand up to cover mine.

"I just still don't understand why. Why do you love me? Why do you always try to protect me?" Spock asked softly, his voice vulnerable.

I tensed and pulled him closer, moving my face up to kiss the back of his neck and whisper just how much I loved him in his ear.

"I love you because you're you. You're brilliant, strong, loyal and logical, but you're also soft, sweet and innocent. I love the way you look when you're concentrating on something. I love when we're alone and you let your uncaring mask drop, when you show me your emotions. I love the way you blush when I compliment you. I love how you feel in my arms, especially at night when you cuddle up to me and I can just hold you for hours. I love how peaceful you are when you sleep. I love kissing you until you're breathless, and then how you look afterwards with your beautiful brown eyes wide, your cheeks green and your perfect hair messed up. I love how you talk when you're passionate about something. I love the way you look at me whenever I touch you, like we're the only two people in the universe. Words cannot describe how much I love every part of you, and how much I love being able to call you mine. I have alway and will always try to protect you for the same reasons I love you, you're perfect and I don't know how anyone could hurt you. You deserve only love and kindness from everybody. I know I've caused you pain, today and in the past. I don't ever want to hurt you again but we are in a serious, long-term relationship so the honest truth is that we will argue, we will cause each other pain from time to time, and I hope with all my heart that we will always be able to fix our problems."

"I hope so too" Spock whispered. "Because I want to spend the rest of my life with you, my T'hy'la. I do not know what I got right to deserve your love"

He turned around, wincing as his bandage scraped on the bed, a few tears still slowly making their way down his cheeks as he lifted a hand to my face.

"You didn't need to do anything, you captured my heart the moment that I first laid eyes on you."

He closed his eyes at my words and I leaned over to kiss him. It was a slow kiss, filled with sadness and insecurities but it was also a sign that it would be okay. That it will always be okay.

He broke the kiss and snuggled as close as he could get with a contented sigh as I wrapped my arms tightly around him.

"I am sorry for not listening to you, and for not being with you when you needed me" I told him again and he shook his head.

"You were doing what you thought you needed to do to protect me. While I do not like it I can not fault you for following your heart, because that is simply what you do. That makes you my T'hy'la. And I do love you, I simply cannot find any words to describe it. Perhaps if we stay together, which I hope we do, one day I will be able to show you."

I realised he was talking about a mind meld and pulled him closer, knowing how much he didn't want to meld with anyone, not after what Stonn did.

Him admitting that one day we might be able to meld showed that bit by bit, the wounds in his heart and mind were healing.

There will always be scars but if he can be happy, I'll take what he is comfortable giving and I will give him everything that I have in return.