Oliver David Hawkins 3 pounds 14 ounces...
When I came to I couldn't see...just shadows and blur "They must've removed my contacts somehow..." I thought.
"Baby? It's me, honey. Someone get her glasses, please? They're in her purse in the bag..." Taylor directed. I have very little vision without glasses. I can only see about two inches in front of my face. He put them on me and I saw his face. He looked so worried. I could see he'd been crying. My brain was so fuzzy I could barely speak.
"Where's the baby? I want my baby..." I breathed. Taylor's face crumpled and fell. Dave sat next to him and held him.
"Sweetie, the baby's in ICU, OK? He can't breathe on his own yet..." I broke down and Taylor laid down and curled up to me on the bed. I nodded at Dave.
"Can I see him?" I croaked.
"Not yet... Soon..." Taylor whispered in my ear, his voice trembling.
"Why do I feel so fuzzy..." I asked. Just then Britt came in with a pitcher of water and poured some in a cup with a straw. She handed it to Taylor who held it to my lips.
"They had to sedate you, honey. They couldn't calm you down..." Taylor said, his voice cracking. I sighed. I was so woozy. A nurse came in to check on me and change out my IV.
"Can... can I please see my son? Please? Please? I just want to see him..." I began to break down again sending Taylor into sobs, he squeezed me tight. Dave held Britt as she cried and kissed the top of her head sweetly. He was doing everything to stay composed. "How little is he?" I asked Taylor.
"He's 3 pounds 14 ounces, baby. He's so little..." He cracked, he was stroking my face. I nodded.
"Miss? They will let you see him just as soon as they can, OK? You just hang in there. It should be soon, I promise." I nodded and held Taylor.
"I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry..." I cried to him. He shook his head and kissed my face.
"No, baby, don't be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. Ollie's gonna' be fine. He's just gonna' have to live here for a while then we get to be a family. I'm so sorry I wasn't there... I never should've left you..." Dave and Britt sat down on the couch and looked on. The door opened and I saw Chris peek his head in then walked over to my bed.
"Hey you guys... I'm so so sorry to barge in here but would it be OK for the children to come in? They're really upset and I think they just need to see that you're OK..." Chris said gently, rubbing my shin. I nod and wipe at my face. Taylor does the same and sits up. His face is so broken he can't even feign a smile. Chris pats Taylor on the shoulder then walks out. Before I know it the door opens slowly again. Shane creeped in holding both of his sister's hands, his face scared and pouting. Annie was still sobbing and rubbing her eyes. Taylor held his arms out and they ran into his arms, kissing each one of them. They let go of him then crawled on my bed.
"Be gentle, guys..." Taylor whispered standing next to me and stroking my hair.
"Come here to me, my angels. My goodness...I love you all so much. You were so brave. You're my heros." I said as they hugged me crying. "It's OK... It's OK... me and Ollie are going to be fine..." I tried to soothe them and they began to calm down.
"Where is Ollie? Where is he, Daddy?" Shane cried. Taylor sucked in a deep breathe, I could see he was trying to hold back his tears.
"He has to live in a special place for a while, sweetie. He came to us a little too early. He just couldn't wait to be here and meet everyone but he has more growing to do..." He said running his fingers through Shane's hair.
"Can we see him?" Annie asked. I shook my head.
"No, sweetie. Not yet..." I whispered nuzzling her hair. Just then a different nurse came in. Taylor stood at attention. She smiled us.
"Hello, everyone, I'm Nurse Lisa." She started and everyone greeted her in return then she looked at Taylor and I "Would you two like to come meet your son?" She said sweetly. We smiled at each other and nodded.
"Can we come?" Alex asked in her sweet little voice.
"No, baby. Only mommies and daddies allowed where Ollie is..." I said and kissed her head. The children jumped down from the bed and they walked over to the loving arms of Chris, Dave and Britt.
"You guys hungry? Want to get some ice cream?" Britt asked the children then winked and smiled at me. I smiled back. The children all nodded and they all left the room holding hands. Taylor and I wrapped our arms around each other's waists, squeezing each other tightly and followed the nurse. Once we got to the Neonatal Intensive Care we were asked to scrub up. Once we were finished and covered with scrubs, we entered the room where there were three babies.
"There's your son..." She said quietly and pointed us toward him.
"Oh Taylor...He's so beautiful... Hello, our angel. Hello. Mommy and Daddy are here and we love you so much, baby. We can't wait to hold you, sweet boy... Can we touch him?" I asked, tears rolling down my face. She nodded. Taylor and I both slowly reached inside the incubator. I touched his soft little hand and arm that was curled up at his side while Taylor gently stroked his tiny leg with his fingers.
"He's so soft..." Taylor whispered, finally able to speak. "Ollie, Daddy's sweet boy. I can't wait to give you your first drum kit..." We both laughed through our tears and kissed each other.
"Mommy can't wait either!" I baby talked. "Then we'll finally form the 5 drummer band we always wanted and your sisters will just screech and whale like Yoko Ono!" I joked.
"Hear that, Ollie? Mommy and Daddy like to laugh a lot. We love each other very much..." Taylor said sweetly wrapping himself around me.
"Yes we do... Now you get to feel that love, Ollie my love, my sweet... It's so wonderful, baby. You will always feel loved. Always." Just then Nurse Lisa returned. "Can't we stay? Please?" I pleaded. She pouted and shook her head.
"No, I'm sorry, sweetie. Visiting hours have ended. Time for you to get some rest..." She said rubbing my shoulder.
"I've had enough rest..." I cried. I stuck my hand back in and slid my finger under his hand then, to my surprise, he held my finger. I looked up at Taylor and he beamed at me. "That's right, baby, I'm your mama and I will be back here as soon as I can. Goodnight, angel boy." I whispered then gently slid my hand away. Taylor touched his head one more time then we exited the room. We walked back to our room wrapped around each other.
"You and I made a beautiful baby... God, I hope he looks just like you... though I don't know how I would even handle that, honestly. Shane looks enough like the both of you where I can actually mother him." I laughed. "If we have your doppleganger then I'm in fuckin' trouble..." I joked.
"Oh, who are you kidding? You're already in fuckin' trouble!" Taylor laughed.
"Yeaaah..." I sighed.
"It'll be OK. Ask my mom!" He laughed. I smiled and shook my head.
"Mmm hmm... You got away with everything..." I side-eyed him.
"Just with her!" He beamed.
"OK... You're going to have to be bad cop then..." I trailed off. He doubled over.
"Don't make me do it! Ugh! Did you see him? He's perfect!"
***
Our road ahead would be rough but we knew that everything would be fine because we had each other and that is all we needed...
