After Andy (#6 in the 'Outcast' Series)

Chapter 35

Chapter 35:

"Ever since Andy died, she just...I dunno. She's just never really been the same; never really recovered. She just has these days where she just breaks down and it takes hours for her to finally get herself together. Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night just crying and I just can't do anything."

"Have you got her seeing someone?" Matt asked, making me look to him. "Because if she isn't then I'd highly recommend it; she's clearly still unable to really let it go...let Andy go."

"We've done everything we can," I said, Matt looking at me sadly. "She was seeing someone a while ago but this shit's just sorta started up again and I dunno what to do. She's just never managed to get past the fact that Andy's gone and I dunno what to do; I've been really hoping that having this kid will maybe help her somehow; help her get her mind off everything."

"Is this the main reason why you were gonna turn down my offer? Because you didn't wanna leave her here by herself while you were gone for six weeks?"

I nodded, linking my fingers together as I looked down again.

"The only other thing I could really think of doing was asking her to stay with her parents but even then I don't really trust that she'd be ok," I admitted, Matt nodding in understanding. "I would just really appreciate it if Valary could stay here while I'm gone because I'd rather have someone here rather than have to be worried for six weeks; would make me feel a lot better to know someone was here in case something happened."

"I'll talk to her when I get home; maybe tomorrow because she'll probably be in bed since it's kinda late," Matt said, making me nod and look to him. "She'll be ok with it; she was gonna stay up here at my parent's place for a bit once we were off anyway since Michelle's still up here at Brian's parent's place, so she should be ok with this. If there's anything else I can do just please let me know. The last thing I wanna hear is that something's happened to Juliet."

"Think you could maybe just stay here while I'm out tomorrow afternoon?" I asked. "Just because when this kinda thing happens it's usually not just the one day so I'd really appreciate it if you could hang around here until I get back from this fucking thing with Brian tomorrow. I shouldn't be too long but I don't really trust not having someone like you here to make sure she's not alone."

Matt nodded. "I can do that; what time do you want me to come by?"

"I'm not meeting Brian until about three-thirty, so I have to come back here and drop Corey and Stef off since we haven't heard anything so maybe around quarter-past three?"

"Quarter-past three it is then."

"Thank you Matt; seriously," I said, Matt shrugging. I sighed, leaning back into the sofa. "God I hate when this shit happens."

"Has this been happening since before you guys got together?" he asked, making me look to him again. "You've really had a tough run, haven't you?"

"You've no idea," I said with an unamused laugh, seeing as Crow wandered in, probably due to the fact that he couldn't get into the bedroom since I'd shut the door. "I dunno; she never said if it'd happened before we got together or not. I remember the first time it happened though and fuck was it scary."

I shook my head, continuing on; Corey was just listening in as Crow jumped up onto the sofa to join me.

"We hadn't talked for about roughly a year and a half after Andy died," I said, Matt watching me and listening to what I was saying. "She sorta cut herself off from everyone when it happened; you'd left and I was dealing with a bit of my own shit because of everything and she said she didn't have anyone she could really talk to about everything. Y'know, if she'd called me after you took off then I would've still been there for her but she felt like she couldn't talk to me because of what'd happened; like what she was dealing with wasn't as severe as what I was dealing with."

"When it first happened she came straight over to my place and I didn't hear from her again after I left," Matt said, making me look to him. "If I hadn't taken off she would've had someone to talk to."

I shrugged. "You were just doing what you had to."

Matt gave a shrug, not accepting it.

"But I promised her that I wouldn't leave and I did, so what's that say about me, huh?"

"That you're human and didn't know what to do," I said, Matt shrugging again. "But anyway, we sorta got talking again when she called me about a year and a half later to see how I was doing; see if I was handling it ok. We kept in contact and decided we needed to do the annual get together and it's just...she had no-one else to turn to. You'd left for California for good and for the band and she had no-one else."

Matt looked down, not saying anything, so I spoke again.

"Y'know the thing that she said hurt her the most about you leaving?" I asked, making Matt shake his head but still avoid my gaze. "The thing that she said hurt her the most was that you weren't there at his funeral and she doesn't know why you weren't there."

"I have my reasons for not being there and believe me, I feel like a complete fucking jerk for not showing up to it," Matt said, not looking at me. "I'd rather not share what that reason was, but just know that I did wanna go to it but I couldn't for certain reasons."

"Brian was there," I said, Matt shifting uncomfortably. "He was there and he never said a word about you; why weren't you there Matt? Seriously? Juliet really needed you at that time and you weren't there."

"Can you maybe stop making me feel like shit about that situation all over again? Please?" Matt asked sternly, looking to me finally. "Like I said, I have my reasons and it sounds fucking stupid if I say it out loud, so I'm not about to tell you why I wasn't there."

I looked to him, Matt breaking the eye contact and looking away.

"Was it because you didn't wanna be there?"

Matt looked to me, a bit of annoyance on his face.

"You wanna know the reason I wasn't at Andy's funeral? It's because I didn't fucking deserve to be there!" he snapped, making me look at him sadly. "I'm the last person that should've been there Ashley; the amount of shit that I caused that week? No-one would've fucking wanted me there and I wasn't game enough to go. There're still so many people out there that blame me for Andy killing himself and that was why I couldn't go; why I wasn't game to go. Because there were gonna be people there that didn't want me there and it just would've made the situation ten times fucking worse."

"You don't know that Matt," I said seriously, Matt shaking his head. "Juliet really did need you there and it really hurt her that you weren't there; Brian wouldn't even speak one word about you which in turn worried her even more. You don't know that people didn't want you there."

"Yeah I do," he said bitterly, not looking at me. "You don't know what happened that week before I left; you weren't there; none of you were."