All the secrets of a fangirl | B. E. Story |

45.O Hurt me. Again.

The floor feels cold, and the happiness i once felt in this house when i was younger was gone. A wave of sadness, panic, and anxiety knew how to hit me again this morning when i woke up like it did yesterday. The day before yesterday, and the day before that. The familiar scent of Alien, the perfume my mom used to wear still hung around this room. I looked at myself in the mirror who was standing in the corner of the room, i could see Billie's sleeping face laying down on the pillow. my stomach groped for food, i haven't had a decent meal since my mom passed away.

Today was the day i had to say my final goodbyes, and like any daughter, i wasn't ready to say goodbye to my best friend, my rock, basically my everything. Besides that, i lost my most important person and my best friend in a short period of a year. I wondered how much i could take, and how long i was keeping up with this shit until I'm gonna lose it.

The worst about losing someone, means you have to make sure what is gonna happen next in the future. Who is gonna live in the house? Where do her belongings go? I'm the one who should have them, but i couldn't have it all... I took the greek yogurt out of the fridge and placed it down on the counter. While grabbing a bowl i got surprised by a hand on my shoulder.

"Fuck you scared me." Finneas warm smile greeted me.

Finneas and Claudia suggested they could stay with us at my mom's house. They could see i was struggling, so them staying here also besides my precious girlfriend made the situation less heavy as expected.

"Did you sleep a bit Lanabanana?" Finneas said with a jokingly tone so i had to laugh, Of course.

"I could say i had a decent sleep for at least the last 6 hours." While getting up on the high chair that stood next to the kitchen counter i looked at him with a small grin on my face. I started to eat my greek yogurt while i watched Finneas getting his breakfast ready.

"Well this is better than in jail, Billie told me." He joked, and i looked at him with confusion. Jail? Why jail? What kind of the wrong joke is that? I then shrugged my shoulders thinking he wouldn't mean anything about the joke he just made. Finishing up my breakfast in total silence i got up and put my bowl inside the dishwasher. "I'm getting myself ready okay?" I placed my hand on his shoulder to turn him around towards me and hug him for a second.

While i slowly walked up on the stairs i looked on the framed pictures hanging on the wall. Many pictures of me as a baby, my dad and her when they had their first date. Their wedding day, and their parents. When i hit the last step i noticed the picture of me and Billie, she had her greenish hair and her smile was the biggest. This was one year ago, right after she met my mom in Iceland. What a memory.

I walked into the walk-in closet, my mom's clothes were still hanging there. Ready to be put on her. You could see she was very careful about her clothes, they hung out in color and style. I reached out for a tight black peplum dress. It was the one she used to wear to particular events. It was the one that was perfect for this day to wear, I straightened it from all its folds and hang it down on the mirror in front of me.

I quickly took a shower, blow-dried my hair, did my makeup and dressed myself up in the dress. My mom would be proud if she saw me in this one, i checked myself out in the mirror to make sure i looked as neat as possible.

It made me feel like i could handle this day just a bit better...

*Timeskip to Lyda's funeral.*

"Lana?"

I turned myself around to see the familiar face of my aunt Christine. The service was over and everybody had said their goodbyes before we brought my mom to her last resting place. After the service, you could drink a cup of coffee in the restaurant up in the hills where i went with my mom most of the time.

"Chris, omg i didn't see you." I laid my arms around her neck and pulled her close to me. We both cried when we both realized that the last time we've seen each other was when we were with my mom at the beach.

"You know you can always come to my place Lana, I'm here for you." Her answer made me grin a little through my tears, i then turned myself to Billie who awkwardly sat beside me. "I guess you didn't meet my lover yet, did you?"

"I saw you on tv tho!" She enthusiast pulled Billie towards her into a hug. Billie seemed overwhelmed by her reaction and then gave in.

We spent the last hours in the restaurant with my mother's sister before it was time to head home. She talked about the past and how they interacted to each other like true sisters. Also how hard it was to understand that my mother really wasn't here anymore, and that she hoped that Madison would be stuck in jail forever. When Christine brought it up, I saw Billie's cheeks turn red, probably because she was embarrassed. Right?

I turned up the volume of the radio when we finally got in the car. Julia Michaels worst in me was on, and i knew exactly every single lyric of it. I wanted to release myself from the anxiety so I sang the whole song with it.

"But the best of me wants to love you, But the worst in me doesn't want to." I sang loudly, i could feel Billie looking at me while driving home.

"It's like we're scared of getting good" I sang to her and i could see her eyes begin to water, she then drove the car on the side of the road. I turned down the volume and turned her face towards me with my hand on her cheek. "You know it's just a so-"

"I visited Madison." She interrupted me and i could see her eyes scanning my face when she confessed, it made me let go of her and turn my face to the road.

She visited Madison. My mothers killer. Is she mental?

"I visited Madison because i wanted her to say sorry." I looked into her eyes to see if she was joking, she wasn't. Her deep blue eyes were pretty clear. "A sorry won't bring my mother back will it?" Crossing my arms over each other i turned myself away from her. As if today wasn't enough. "Why do keep on hurting me, when i just fixed up my heart again after everything that happened?"

I got shocked up when she slammed into the steering wheel. "You don't get it, Lana, you don't want to." Her voice was cracking when she yelled over to me.

"You don't want to fix this, because you keep on making the same mistakes." I opened up the door and walked out of the car. I wasn't staying with her for another minute.

"Yeah, you go run again, as you always do." She chuckled saying it

"Yeah, and you go and ruin it again Billie." I put up my middle finger and made my way to my house, which was gonna take me for sure a few hours or a day. Billie did the thing what i totally wasn't expecting from her. she drove away. Leaving me in the middle of nowhere, on high heels, with a broken heart. On the same day, i had to bury my mother.

I walked all the way towards my home, i tried to call Lily and Liam. But sure they didn't pick up or noticed i called them. When i got home they finally called me back. Way too late. I made my way upstairs up to my living room, i sit my ass down on the couch and staredto the pictures of me and Billie.

I always thought she was gonna be my dream girl. I fantasized about having a relationship with her, being her girlfriend. Her wife one day, but she ruined it again today. I lost all my trust in her. She knows how to break me, she knows how to make me. Maybe i had to get over her again. Who leaves their girlfriend after they buried their mother?

I grabbed all the photo frames and threw them in the trash one by one. Was it time to say goodbye? Should I have just left her when she was with Madison? Deep in thought, I took all of her clothes from my wardrobe and pressed them into a large garbage bag.

Maybe i was too used to her, and our relationship became too normal.

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Short chapter sorry.

Thanks for the love on this book.. ❤️❤️❤️