All the secrets of a fangirl | B. E. Story |

85.O You know that hurts.

I tried to hold in my tears while following everyone inside the funeral home, it was so weird to even think it would be the last time. The coffin was closed, the urge to open it was insane but they couldn't let me do it. And the eyes of all the officers looking at me while I was walking around was making me nervous. I insisted no one should've come because it's supposed to be a peaceful goodbye to the woman who changed my life.

I tied my hair down in a sleek bun and changed myself into a black suit, Hugo had a black blouse. I knew Lana would appreciate the fact that I did our best on our little family, shit.. That hurts.

I dried my eyes again before bursting into tears and going crazy, the funeral hasn't even started yet and I didn't know how to act anymore. Everybody was quiet inside, the faces of my brother and parents said it all. How could this happen.. Lana's life was full of blessings, she had a golden heart and a beautiful soul. It was insane because I still remember the day I met her, her long dark hair. Her festival outfit that made her look so damn beautiful, all these thoughts were absolutely killing me at this point.

"Is your speech ready Billie?" I sighed when I heard the mortician woman and the other people from her team walking in, I decided to tell the story about Lana. Since she doesn't even have family to rely on. "I'm ready, well. How can I ever be ready?" I smiled through my tears to reassure everyone it was gonna be fine.

"Let's do this.." We all stood up in sync, which was so weird actually. And followed the team while they brought the coffin in the middle of the room. It was filled up with people, crazy how many there could fit inside here. I held Hugo close to me and sat down at the front with the family. I had to bite my lip not to cry when the music started to play. I made a little playlist with Lana's favorite music, checking it from her phone. It was full of songs I wrote, of course. But I didn't want to hear myself singing on the funeral of my wife.

While the music was ending I got a sign from the mortician lady I could walk up front and get my speech up and ready. While walking up there I could feel many eyes burning in my back, staring at me. Probably as nervous as I was, while I stood behind the coffin I could only wonder how she was laying inside there. I cleared my throat, shrugged everything off my shoulders and sighed before starting my speech.

"First of all. Thank you all for coming, I wish she could see how many of you came here because of herself." I chuckled, lets just make the best of it..

"Lana was such a loving and caring person, she'd put everyone in first place instead of herself. She loved every part of this life and she wasn't ready to leave just yet. We welcomed our little babyson Hugo. And if you could see the joy inside her eyes, man i'd promise you. You would fall for her too." I wiped down a tear streaming down my cheek and bit the inner inside of my cheek to prevend myself from having a panic attack.

"Lana was a young woman, with a lot of ambition. When I met her and her mom, who sadly left this life also way too young. They told me about their past, how hard it was. And how both of them were looking for happiness, joy, stability and just a lot of fun. I promised her mother I would give that to Lana, and even after all the mistakes I've made. Don't say you don't know about it, 'cause i'm sure you've read it all on TMZ." I heard everyone giggle, and then some of them nodding as they agreed with me. "And even after all the mistakes, she took me back. Forgived me, told me how she wanted it to be and waited for me to change. This woman changed my life and so many others, and I'm sure she wanted to change yours too. When you let Lana in, when you trust her. She is like an angel who wants to help you, be there for you. And make sure you'll see how beautiful this earth this. This world we live in, it's a mess. Like the pandemic, and everything that comes with it. But she promised me, everything will change.."

"But.." I cleared my throat again. "So did she, over the last few months she was diagnosed with a rare form of dementia, and even tho I'd never seen any papers of it I could feel her fade away. She started to forget about many things, first she forgot about her password on the phone and then her keys of the car. But it got even worse when she forgot about us.. So i'm hoping, i'm praying. She didn't realized what happened to her the night they took her life." I laid my hand on top of the coffin and stared at the picture of my wife standing on top of it.

"I'm sure they will bring justice to what they done to you babes. I'm here to fight for you, we're here to fight for you and I won't let anyone hurt you again. Not the way they did, or do." I kissed the coffin and took a step back. "For now let's all be quiet for a minute before the music starts to play.. And think about Lana, and how much she touched every one of us in a way I'm sure she did.." I closed my eyes and held my speech near my heart, thinking about every single minute I spend with the love of my love. My body felt weird when I thought of a moment, not so long ago from now.

* Flashback *

"Maybe you like talking to much about yourself, but you should've told me that you were thinking about someone else." Lana's singing made me smile, it amazed me how she remembered every single line of Tate Mcrae's new song, and how she doesn't remember her last name just like that. "You're drunk at a party.." I laid my hand on her upperleg and squeezed it softly before focusing on the road again.

"Billie Eilish, this should've been a song for you." I frowned both my eyebrows after Lana's statement and simply smiled. "Maybe."

"What do you mean maybe? Holy fucking shit Bill. Imagine if you would play this at Coachella. Kate would looooooooooved it." Goosebumps all over my arms when she mentioned Kate, Kate's been gone for a long while now and I was amazed how she suddenly remembered her name. We didn't talk about her for ages, neither did she even see a picture of her. "Kate?" I asked her, holding my heart and hoping she would remember. Then I suddenly saw her thoughts fade away in her eyes and whisper to herself. She forgot again.

"It's okay, it's okay." I kissed her hand before she would totally lose her mind and temper.

"I love you."

"Too." I heard her mumble to herself and my heart dropped on the floor, Lana wouldn't be the same.

The music stopped and I sat myself down next to my mom who was holding Hugo. He was making babynoises and trying to say words like 'mommy' I closed my eyes and held his head against mine, kissing the top of his head. I was gonna make sure Hugo was going to be safe with me, he was going to know his mothers. Once he's old enough and he'll realize more things and remember things. I'll tell him all about his mother, how much we both love him. The things we've been through to have him. He's gonna remember every single detail about Lana and the things she've done for the family. It brought me to another realisation that maybe I should bring him to Lana's hometown and pay another visit to her old house. Maybe it was also a way of closure for myself. Bring back some memories and say goodbye to it. The end of an chapter.. And the beginning of a new one. It's sad that it had to be like this, and i'm not ready for everything yet.

When everyone left I brought up my phone and booked an flight, weird to do now. But making sure I was ready and all set to go.

I love you Lana, we're gonna make it through..

-

(To be continued yes okay bye xx
Expect some more updates since im in quarantine for 10 days)