Just Smile

CHAPTER TWO

*I'm so pumped for this story that I already have three chapters prewritten, so a quick update anyone?! 🤷🏼‍♀️😂
I want to put a MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING out for this chapter as the start contains self harm, and it's pretty graphic. It's from the first sentence, and I'm not looking to trigger anyone, so if you are triggered, please skip through the first couple of paragraphs. I wouldn't want anybody getting hurt from this 💕*

*3RD PERSON POV*
Brian breathed deeply, clenching his eyes shut tightly as he glided the sharpe blade in his hand over his already scar littered skin. The guitarist gasped, the feeling of pain quickly seeping through his body as the new mark began to sting and throb. Blinking open his eyes, the taller lad took in the gash he'd made in the flesh of his thigh, instantly feeling regret for his actions as he held a tissue to the now bleeding wound. Brian hated that he did this, that this seemed to have become some kind of sadist ritual he would perform on himself almost daily before facing the world for the first time. He hated that his right thigh was infested with scars from the uncountable amount of times he'd slashed cuts into his skin, but he couldn't seem to stop. He couldn't remember the first time he tried hurting himself, but he could never forget the feeling of the blade piercing his skin. It had been near the end of high school when he'd heard about cutting from a friend of his, and by the time he started university, he'd collected at least half a dozen marks on his own skin, but he couldn't remember the first time. Brian liked the feeling. He liked the sting and burn of the cut after he'd finished carving into himself. The pain distracted him for a while, focusing his mind on what he was doing rather than the hell he called a life. Brian struggled somewhat, in his life. It was hard for his parents to accept his sexuality, often leading to arguments and rows between them at night when they thought their oldest son was asleep. He had blamed himself when his mother picked him up from the bus stop with a bruised arm, and he'd blamed himself when he found his father sleeping on the sofa at night. He'd blamed who he was and who he loved for all the hardships in his life, hating that he couldn't just choose to be who they wanted him to be. It took falling in love for the first time to show the curly haired boy that who he was was who he was meant to be, who he was born to be. It took him far too many years to come into his feelings for his best friend, but once he'd finally accepted them, Brian knew his heart would never belong to anyone else. Brian and Roger (the dynamic duo, the blonde would call them) had always been inseparable, ever since the younger moved into the house across the road from the May's when Brian was twelve and Roger ten. The age gap between the pair didn't stop them from becoming fast friends, always being out in the street or at either one's house until the late hours on the weekends. The olders' feelings became stronger when he was about 16, noticing how protective he'd become of Roger, and finding himself loving to be in the blonde's company even more than he already had. By the time he was 18, Brian knew how he felt about his best friend (even if he was still years younger), coming into his sexuality enough to know that what he was feeling was love. He remembered the day Roger told him he felt something for men too. It was Summer, and they'd taken a walk together when all of a sudden the (now) drummer blurted out that he'd had a date with a boy the night before. Brian felt a burning in the pit of his stomach, jealousy. He wanted to be the one Roger was dating. He wanted to be the person who could potentially call Roger his. The feeling only seemed to sit and worsen as his best friend got more confident with dating, having more than a few flings with both sexes by the time he himself had finished school. Brian hated that he could never muster up the courage to tell his secret, and once the two had moved in together, his feelings only grew for the young man, leading to the situation he found himself in last night. He'd finally got what he'd been wanting all these years! He'd found Roger's attention. He finally was able to feel his lips on his own. His hands were finally allowed to hold his waist. For a split second, he'd finally found the love he'd been craving! But his happiness was short lived, as Roger didn't leave with him like he'd wished for. Roger didn't smile and take his hand before leading him out the door like he would with his other dates. He didn't take him to his bedroom where he would work whatever magic on him that he wanted, keeping him there and safe until the morning. Roger didn't hold Brian as they slept. He instead left with Freddie, taking his hand with a smile before leading him out the door and towards their flat. He took him to his room, working his magic on the older man before holding him as they slept. Brian felt sick as he lied awake listening to them. Listening to Freddie moan Roger's name, the sound becoming too much to bare as he covered his ears with his pillow to try and block some of it out. His heart ached, wishing that it was him in there, wishing that he was good enough for Roger to want HIM. All he ever wanted was to be enough for the man he loved.

The guitarist sighed, snapping out of his daydream as he looked back down at the slash on his leg, the wound still seeping a little blood as he pressed the tissue down harder to help. He would usually only make one cut, knowing that he'd be back the next day for another. He didn't want to risk exposing his ghastly secret by having his pajama bottoms stained with the evidence of his time locked in the bathroom. It would usually start and end with one, but Brian couldn't stop the thoughts of last night from creeping back into his head. He couldn't block out the noise, the moaning and the sounds of ecstasy coming from the room just across the hall from his own. He couldn't stop feeling like he wasn't enough. He wasn't enough for Roger to take him to bed. He wasn't enough to be loved, to be wanted. Before he knew it, another two gashes were stinging his skin, cut from the blade he had in his hand. Brian gasped, the pain stronger than anything he'd ever felt before as he immediately began to panic. He'd never cut so many times before. It was always once! His hands shook as he grabbed more tissues to try and stop the blood now trickling down his thigh, the bleeding being worse than any other time.
"Fuck!" Brian hissed, trying to keep quiet so that neither of the men sleeping down the hall would hear him. He started freaking out, not knowing how to handle so many fresh marks at once as his eyes darted around the small bathroom for something to cover them all. "C-Calm down Brian, just, just breathe." He told himself, stopping all he was doing to suck in a breath. Suddenly, out of nowhere the locked door handle started jiggling, scaring the taller man out of his now much calmer state as he began to panic again.