TART The Sequel [TART 3]

...Changed my Mind

So, um...

I said no to the job ^^;

The more I thought about it, the more anxiety I felt and it was just too much

As you guys already know, I suffer from severe social anxiety and something as simple as talking to someone is really hard for me

I've been doing a lot of progress these past few years, and I've become a happier and more confident person

But I have my limits >_< And working at a place as busy as where I would have to work is just way too big of a step for me. I had a pretty big panic attack last night, and then I had a big one this morning as well

It was bothering me a lot because on one hand, it would be amazing if I could've gotten a job and I was so scared that I would regret it if I didn't go, but on the other hand, I knew it's too big of a step for me and I'm pretty serious about my art "career"

And to be completely honest, I think the main reason why I even wanted the job in the first place was because all my friends have one now and I didn't want to be the only one without one. Every time they talk about their jobs, it just feels like a big punch in the gut because it's just a reminder of how useless I am and how pathetic it is that something so simple is so hard for me. It feels like an ugly reminder of how much my anxiety restricts me and controls my life

So last night, even though my panic attack was so bad that I just sat there shaking and crying, I wanted to try it out at least today and see how it goes

But I was in such a bad state this morning and I knew that I had gotten that thought so deep in my head that I would not be able to walk through that door

It came down to choosing between a job and my art, and I chose my art. Plus, I'm only 16 years old, it's not like a need a job anyway. I knew I wasn't ready and pushing myself too far out of my comfort zone all at once is only going to backfire

I'm still so scared that I'm gonna regret my decision... But I think that this was the smartest thing to do, seeing as school is starting up already in two weeks and I want to work on my art as much as possible, and because it's just too big of a step for me right now

So yeah, no job for me but whatever XD