TART The Sequel [TART 3]

Lots to Think About

I have a lot on my mind today ^^; Feel free to skip this chapter, especially if you're sensitive to things like rape and sexual abuse, especially against children...

Do you guys remember when I told you guys about how I learned the true meaning of "I let my guard down once, I won't let it happen again"?

If you didn't read the chapter and you're wondering what I'm talking about, here's a quick summary: when I lived in the US (from age 0 - 7), my pediatrician was what people call the worst pedophile in US history

His name is Earl Brian Bradley, and though they only have proof of him molesting 103 children, he had access to 7000 and could have done anything to them, and we'll never know

He was my pediatrician all my life and though the investigators couldn't find any evidence that he had done anything to me, the possibility was still there (so that's where my tuition money comes from 😥)

Anyway, what's bugging me is not knowing. I will never know, and it's so frustrating

I had gone a few months without thinking about this incident, but I suddenly started thinking about it again over the weekend and now I can't get it out of my head

I'm so desperate to figure out if anything happened to me or not so I've been reading so much about him and what he did to these innocent children, but all I've accomplished is getting a horrible weight on my chest

It's so frustrating because I remember the rooms so vividly, but I can't remember a single thing that went on inside them. It's so unsettling; I remember all the life sized Disney figures, the dark room with the glow-in-the-dark constellations, the basement with all the toys and rides

I remember him carrying me to the basement, and I remember him holding my hand as he dragged me into the other "toy rooms"

And most of all, I remember how he made me feel. To this day, I still remember the fear I felt whenever I saw him

I can't exactly ask my parents about it either. I don't ever want to remind them of this horrific incident. There's three instances that are burned into my mind regarding this topic:

1. When my dad said "I let my guard down once, I won't let it happen again" (before I knew about the incident), and I asked my mom about it. I remember looking over at her and watching all the color drain from her face. She just told me that she didn't know what I was talking about, and that she was gonna speak to my dad when she came home

2. When my dad finally told me what had happened. It's the second time I've ever seen him tear up. It was heartbreaking to hear him talk about it. He told me about how he and my mom was talking with the investigators, and he remembered looking over at my mom and seeing how lifeless and heartbroken she seemed. That's when he decided for all of us to move to Norway

3. When I told my mom that my dad had told me about what happened. I will never forget how her voice cracked when she said "a day doesn't go by when I don't think about it"

It makes my heart ache so bad

Like last time I talked about this here, I'm debating to go to the school nurse about this (since I never actually went last time). Maybe that's the closure I need. I want to ask if this incident could have been the roots of my anxiety, and if I could have repressed memories

Since this incident is still weighing on my mind, I think the best thing would be for me to talk to the school nurse, since I can't exactly talk about it with anyone else. Maybe just talking about it will help me >_< I really hope so ^^;