TART The Sequel [TART 3]

Some Stuff

Another little update chapter! :D

I got my second commission! And it was from someone who isn't from my town!!

And even better: he wanted me to draw an anime character I probably would've ended up drawing eventually anyway!! XD

Here's the character he wants me to draw:

Ahhhh!! 🎉💕🎉💕🎉💕

I'm 30 dollars richer lolol

I'm so happy TwT

The other good news I have is that I got a job! Amalie's worked there for over a year now and Mal just started up there, and they recommended me and the boss was ok with it!

I'm starting on Saturday! ^-^

I can't believe they actually said yes lmao. I told them (or, I told Mal who told them 🤣) that I wasn't looking for the commitment that Amalie and Mal has since school and my well being has to be my top priority, so I would only be working on weekends and holidays

I'm starting on Saturday, and Amalie is the one who is gonna train me! ^-^

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The rest of this chapter is a little dark and sad lol so feel free to skip it, especially if you're sensitive to these kinds of things >_< I've just been needing to get this off my chest for a few months now

I feel like I've been complaining a lot about this for quite a while now, but I've been having a pretty rough year

And I've been keeping it all to myself for so long and I can feel how much it's really starting to affect me

Mal barely even knows half of this (I sort of told her about it a few days ago, but just barely), so no one knows about this. well, except for whoever reads this now

First, I lost someone who meant the world to me a few months ago and I've spent a long time trying to get over it. (They didn't die lol, we just had to stop talking.) It happened during Easter and it hit me pretty hard

I've past the point where I feel like crying whenever I think about this person, but I still care about them more than I'd like to admit and they cross my mind constantly

Anyway, I spent a month or two just trying to get back on my feet after this incident

Mal was also going through some things at the time, and we were constantly taking it out on each other. We fought constantly, and I feel really bad about it, especially since Amalie was stuck in the middle and she had more than enough going on in her life already

I kept adding failures upon failures all throughout the rest of the school year and each one felt like a punch in the gut. I've never felt more like a failure before in my life. I think that what I'm feeling right now was caused by a series of smaller events which has built up to a huge weight on my chest

What's scaring me the most though is that I think I'm developing depression, or maybe I already have it. I haven't been diagnosed or anything, and I really hope I'm wrong, but all these events has taken a toll on me

I've had breakdowns on a weekly basis (usually several times a week), I feel empty and hopeless, and lately I've been wondering if there's any point in anything

what's even more scary is that these feelings have brought back my anorexic thoughts

And I was really fucking lucky to manage to break away from it last year, I don't want it to come back

I haven't started acting on it, but the thoughts are really taunting me and I'm terrified of it coming back

And now what's scaring me is that I feel like I'm becoming more and more disconnected with the world. It's like I'm locking myself away from everyone and I'm pushing everyone away

I don't know how to explain it, but throughout the day I feel like I'm just sort of floating through this empty darkness all alone. Like I'm losing my touch with the world. Like I'm invisible and completely alone

I've never felt more lonely before in my entire life

There was one day not too long ago where I spent the entire day telling myself that the only person that'll ever truly stay by my side is myself, and that all I have in this world is drawing and everything else is just pointless

I'd seriously be such a fucking wreck without art, it's the only thing that gives me any sense of purpose in this world and it's the only thing that seems to keep me grounded and calm

I feel like by every day that passes, I fall deeper and deeper into this dark hole and I don't know how to get out

So yeah, if you read this, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm constantly bombarding you guys with this pointless whining and complaining

I'm probably gonna delete this chapter soon since it's actually really embarrassing and hard to post

But... if there's anyone who understands what I'm going through and has any tips... I'd like to hear them. I don't know what to do anymore

I don't want to end this in such a miserable way, so here's a photo of Athena <3 I'm sorry again