one shots (remington leith)

ambivalent

Can't promise that this one won't hurt a lil.
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He handed me the book that he made me drop. My eyes awkwardly meeting his.
I did miss him- of course I did. But I couldn't give into his warm eyes anymore
"Sorry again" he said, referring to us just bumping into eachother, he was ruffling his messy blond spikes.
"It's ok" I pressed a half smile.
"You know my mum asks about you"

really? That's what you've got? Yeah throw Stephanie in here, that'll make me feel sorry.

"Oh. I said- not really sure how what to say. His eyes fell. "You don't need to avoid me you know? I don't bite." He said sheepishly.

I thought back to the nights we spent together, in bed. He did in fact. Bite. But that was besides the point. He broke my heart. And I couldn't make up excuses anymore.
"I'm not avoiding you, I'm choosing myself over you this time, that's all."

He gave me a look, like really? He carefully grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side of the building out of the way of the middle of the sidewalk where we were just standing, after literally running into eachother.

"Don't pull your victim card on me again." He shook his head. And I glared at him. "We're not doing this here." I told him my teeth gritted. He arched an eyebrow at me. "Fine. Let's do it over here then," and he grabbed my hand gently but tugged me into the alleyway between the buildings we stood beside, I gasped when my back made contact with the brick wall behind me. I wasn't comfortable with how narrow the alley was- to be more specific, I was anxious to be so close to Remington.
He smelled like cologne and- cigarettes? Emerson. the thought of him made my heart sink. I missed him too.
"I meant to say we're not doing this at all." I glanced up at him.

"Y/N, listen, we ended on messy, messy terms. Doesn't part of you want to fix that?" He looked me up and down quickly.
"My version of fixing- is different than yours." I told him.
He pushed a piece of hair behind my ear. Literally proving my point.
"You know damn well, that you could have me melting under you within seconds, and yes, I'll admit that does always fix the problem, but only temporarily. When I want to fix something, talk it out- you tell me I'm playing a victim card. So tell me Kropp, what's it gonna be?"
He put his hand beside my head. Blocking my way out.

"It's not black and white yknow? I understand why you left, I think you were right. But can we atleast be mutuals?"
He looked up at me from under his brows. And god I wanted to kiss him. But I was still missing my reason, the reason that caused me to leave in the first place
"I'm not asking you to fall back in love with me- frankly I don't deserve that from you, but I'm asking for you to- to forgive me? I'll do whatever to- to know that you don't- hate me."

I felt a lump in my chest. His eyes fell from mine,
"I don't hate you Remington. I never have. I never could." I put my hand on his cheek. "I didn't ask you to choose between me and music. I asked you why you didn't love me. When you didn't have an answer- I knew I shouldn't be where I was." I said my eyes stung a little, reminiscences of our fight flashed in my mind.

"I'd given you time to think- but 'i don't know'- doesn't cut it. You don't get to just fucking string me along until you figure out if you still love me." I screamed. His blood shot eyes and red fists scared me.
"Does that seem fair to you?!" I begged, my eyes flickering to the fist sized hole in the wall.
"Or do you just not have the balls to tell me you found someone else?!" I growled at him, tears streaming down my cheeks.
"if I understood- you'd be the first fucking person I told- don't act so FUCKING high and mighty, I'm not blaming you, im not blaming tour, this is ambivalent, but if you were in my shoes- You'd be fucking drained! Worn! Don't tell me how to feel."
And when he called me weak, I'd felt the last of my heart deteriorate. And both of our eyes had frosted over, our veins filled with ice, and I left without another word.

That was the last fight we had, of course the ones before it were no better. But the vivid recap I just got was enough to make my eyes water.
"You know what I want from you." I said quietly, my tears halted, but present.
He swallowed hard.
An explanation.

He knew. 

"I- had never loved someone as much as I loved you. And when you weren't there- I hurt until I numbed, and I drank. And I- I uh, got so used to the numb I couldn't remember what the love was like anymore- in hindsight it-it-it felt like weakness....."
"I didn't love anything, and I knew I wanted to- but I didn't want you to know." He said. He was scared that I would misunderstand- and that's exactly what I did.
And I blinked hard enough to let the tears slip.

He hung his head, he was ashamed. I pulled him slowly into a hug. "I'm sorry." I said. "Me too."
"I should've been more understanding"
"I should've told you." He whispered, he buried his face i to my hair, hugging me a little tighter.

"I'll tell my mum you said hi." He said breaking the hug.
"Lets go, I'll tell her myself." I said and his eyes lit up.