Letters || TaeJin ✔

39. Cannot Be

Seokjin

I am looking at my phone like an idiot. Waiting for Mr. Kim's text message. He got my number and I think I am stupid enough to give it to him. But of course, I'm not sure if he will really text me tonight.

I looked at Jungkook who is now fast asleep. He definitely enjoyed the churros I brought home for him. I told him a friend gave it to me. He didn't ask. He just smiled.

I can't stop myself from smiling too. I can't believe that I will spend half of this day with Mr. Kim. Oh! I forgot! He told me to just call him Taehyung. Just the thought of it, I found myself smiling again. Unconsciously.

Fuck!

I quickly sit down on my mattress on the floor as I remember something. I almost drop my phone as I dial Hoseok's number. I keep on slapping my forehead with my hand. How can I be so reckless?

What time is it Jinnie?

"Hoseok, listen!"

What time is it Seokjin!

I look at the clock hanging from the wall.

"It's 1 a.m."

That's better to be important for you to disturb my sleep at 1 a.m. So what's your issue?

I sigh. Hoseok is too straight-forward.

I covered my mouth with my hand and whispered on the phone. "I went out with Mr. Kim today."

Holy fucking shit!! Are you serious?

I can imagine Hoseok's face after hearing what I just said. I can visualize how big his eyes turn and how his sleepiness disappears.

"He saw me at the mall today. I bought something for Christmas. Then we go out for a walk."

I heard Hoseok squeals from the other line.

I told you! He really likes you! Oh gosh! My ship is sailing!

"Can you shut up! You know that he's dating Jimin."

Hoseok snorted. He will stop dating him if you will tell him the truth!

I closed my eyes remembering what I said earlier.

"That's the reason why I called you."

Oh gosh! Did you tell him the truth?!

"I made a mistake and it's making me guilty now. How can I be so stupid? I indirectly and unconsciously babbled something that I shouldn't have. I told him that I love to cook and to write."

Hoseok did not say anything.

"Hoseok?"

Silence.

"Hello?"

I heard a deep breath. You should have told him the truth. He should be smart to connect the dots. I mean, I'm sure he didn't even realize that you're the one cooking and writing for him. And I will say this again, you're stupid enough to teach that Park Jimin how to cook Soft Tofu Stew.

"Let's not talk about it. Do you think Taehyung wouldn't notice?"

I don't think he would. How I wish. There are plenty of people around the world who can cook and who loves to write. I told you. You should have told him the truth.

"I cannot betray Jimin. He's been good to me. I know we're not okay now but let Taehyung discovered the truth by himself. I don't want it to come from me. I am actually feeling guilty now. They are dating and yet, I still accepted his invite to walk around and eat."

How can you be so pure Jinnie? Don't over-analyze what happened. You should not feel guilty because it's a day out of two friends. Unless you consider him more than that because I noticed you're already calling him by his name.

Should I feel guilty? I was happy earlier. But thinking about it, I guess I already betrayed Jimin.

So tell me, where did you two eat?

I chuckled. Remembering his face when we sat on Mrs. Ji's food stall. "At Mrs. Ji's and Mrs. Lee."

Hoseok laughed hard on the line. I can imagine him rolling on his bed. "Gosh, Jin! For real? I will bet my internal organs, he will not come to you in those places if he doesn't like you."

"Stop saying things like that. I told you, Jimin and him are dating. He cannot like two people at the same time. That would hurt Jimin a lot. And I don't want to be the reason for his heartbreak."

Well, I can already sense that you will be the reason for his heartbreak. And what if it's you whom Mr. Kim really likes? Can't you see? Mr. Park is deceiving Mr. Kim. I wonder what will be Mr. Kim's reaction once the truth has been revealed.

I looked at my hand. The hand that Taehyung held earlier. I can still feel his skin against mine. As much as I want to avoid it, I am feeling giddy whenever I remember that moment. Or perhaps, it's because it's the first time a man treated me like that? Or is it because I like him?

I never had a boyfriend. I always think I don't have time for that. I am always preoccupied with work. I was 16 when I started working. I applied for every odd job that I can think of.

I now wonder if Taehyung likes me or it's only because he thinks I am pathetic? Besides, we do not belong in the same environment. I am feeling ashamed now on why I asked him to eat in places where he can get sick. Sometimes, I'm not thinking properly.

Right. Mr. Kim only pities me. He will never like someone like me. He only sees me as a friend. Or perhaps, a delivery boy who stained his Gucci shirt. I will always be like that. And I will remain like that.

I cannot blame him if he will throw the pen I gave him. I even told him about the price. I cannot believe I did that. Only Hoseok and Jungkook can appreciate such gifts. Because that's the only thing that I can afford.

JINNNN!

I then realized that Hoseok is still on the phone and I realized that I am crying. Again.

Are you crying?! Why?!

"No Hobi. Sorry, allergies. I have to go now. I'll see you tomorrow at work."

Are you sure you're okay?

I forced a smile. "Yes. I am okay. Goodnight Hobi. Thank you for listening to me."

I dropped the call. Hoping Hoseok did not notice. When I looked at my phone, I have two unread messages. My heart beats faster when I read the messages.

The first one sent 5 minutes ago.

Hi Jin! Taehyung here. Thank you for today. I appreciate it. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I do. Did Jungkook eat the churros? I hope that he likes it.

And the second one sent a minute ago.

Still awake? Well, I can't sleep. It's almost 2. Maybe you're in dreamland by now. Good night Jin. See you soon.

I stared at my phone until a tear fell on the screen. I hope that he will stop being sweet to me. There's no point for me to believe that someone like him will like someone like me.

Poor. Smells like dust. Rough dry skin. Same clothes.

I guess I should start now. I should now start to avoid him. Otherwise, it will hurt me more. Especially when I start seeing him and Jimin together. Jimin who has everything. Unlike me who has nothing.

I deleted the messages and turned my phone off. I closed my eyes and wiped the tears that fall.