Letters || TaeJin ✔

51. Self Love

Seokjin

Am I dreaming?

I've been asking the same question since last night. Everything was like a dream. One felt like a nightmare and the other one gave me hope.

The nightmare I had last night was frightening and traumatic. I am a strong guy, I can handle problems no matter how tough the problems are. Last night was different. My desperation to earn almost put me into trouble. If I did not use the presence of mind and a little bravery to escape, I guess I am either raped, dead, or both.

I was feeling feverish when I left home. The thought of being homeless left me with no choice. I had doubts about that bar, the reason why I did not come to the first interview. But my anguish got the best of me and I can say that I regretted everything. I thought about that job a lot of times and I chose not to go. But I ignored all those thoughts because I did not want Jungkook to live on the streets.

I remembered the security I felt when I saw Taehyung. How his presence instantly roused my spirit. The fear I had almost disappeared and the trauma seemed to lessen. Perhaps because I really do like him?

A lot of things happened in just hours. I thought life is always against me but Taehyung confessing his feelings for me gave me hope that life isn't cruel after all. He is proof that money and lies cannot buy anything. I am very thankful that we feel the same way. I want to wake up from my nightmare but I don't want to wake up if what happened between me and Taehyung was only a dream.

While having our breakfast this morning, Taehyung informed me that a lawyer will come over after Christmas to help with my case. I refused but he was insistent and Jungkook supported him.

"I'm sorry," I said to Jungkook. Taehyung left us on the porch to talk.

"This will be and I want this to be the last time you'll say sorry for the things you cannot control. Stop saying sorry. Stop putting everything on your shoulders. Please hyung, stop taking all the blame. Last night, I was so worried about you. If Mr. Min did not call, I am walking in the rain looking for you.

At the same time, I am annoyed because there you were again, carrying the burden as if I don't exist. You can always ask for help. You don't have to carry the load by yourself. I am annoyed at myself too because all these times, I am forcing myself to just watch you suffer because I don't want to disappoint you. Because I want to follow you. I know you only want the best for me but how can I be the best if the person motivating me to be the best is suffering because of me?

I am a man too. I can work, hyung. I am no longer a kid. I'm not saying that I don't need you. All I'm asking is for you to slow down and share your burdens with me. I can help you. I want you to be happy too.

You're always tired. You always worry. You forgot to give time to yourself. You can date too. You can have a boyfriend, you can get married or have a child if you want.

Please, don't let your world revolve only around me. It's making me feel guilty and useless. I love you hyung. And I only want the best for you. Please, share your weights with me. Don't suffer alone. Don't cry alone. Don't walk alone."

Jungkook's words were like a round of bullets being fired to me. They were true, painful but comforting at the same time. It's as if he's assuring me that one day, he can stand by himself. Or perhaps, I am just afraid to lose him or for the only person, I called my family to suffer. Because I know how it feels.

Jungkook wiped the tears that fell on my cheeks. He pulled me close for a hug and I can feel the love he has for me. I am lucky. Very lucky to have a brother as patient, understanding, brave and sweet like Jungkook. It's like I have nothing to worry about anymore when the time comes that we need to part ways. It may not be soon, but it will come.