Bad Reputation | S.M.

shawn

I turned the corner near the diner, tapping my steering wheel, feeling completely nervous I was going to have an encounter with Nicole.

"Shawn why don't you just talk to her, she did nothing wrong and she even explained and said sorry." Aaliyah said and I shook my head, letting a deep breath out.

"I just can't."

"I bet if you just talked to her and stopped being so stubborn." She sighed as we reached a stop sign. "That article that got published of her apology, you could tell she meant it and you could tell she was in pain when she wrote it."

"What about my pain?"

"She acknowledged that too, she knows what happened was wrong and how it hurt you, but she's the one who lived through it. You just need to get over yourself Shawn, you need to realize that you need her just as much as she needs you."

"It's just not the right time, we both need time to grow." I shrugged and she shook her head.

"I may be young and not know a lot, but I do know you guys belong with each other, no matter what, but I will support you in anything because your my big brother and I love you." She held my hand and I smiled, reaching over to kiss her forehead.

We finally reached the diner and I took a deep breath in, hoping to calm myself down. To my luck, as soon as we pulled up I saw her, standing there looking beautiful as ever. I hadn't seen her in months, seeing a few photos taken by paparazzi of her going to homeless shelters or helping women shelters, but even then she would always have a hoodie on, covering her face and especially her hair.

Her newly short hair surprised me, she looked completely radiant. I felt as if she was doing better. I maintained eye contact with her as she did the same with me. I scanned every inch of her body and I could tell she was getting nervous as her body shifted.

Aaliyah got out of the car and they all exchanged their hellos as Hunter came running up to the car and bear hugged me. I laughed and hugged him back tightly.

"Hey buddy, how have you been?" I smiled and he giggled.

"I'm good." He extended the sound as he smiled. "And you?"

"I'm good too kiddo, thank you." I fixed his hair and he looked up at me before I heard Nicole's soft voice.

"Hunter, buddy, it's time to go eat." She said, not making eye contact as Hunter held onto me. She looked back up at me as I continued to stare at her.

"Shawn will you eat with us?" Hunter asked and I sighed, shaking my head.

"I can't today bub, may be another day." I answered and ran my fingers through his hair. "It was good seeing you, I missed you kiddo."

"I missed you too." He hugged me one more time before he got out of the car and scurried inside. Silenced filled the air and we maintained eye contact with each other until I broke it.

"Bye Shawn." I heard her voice say in a blunt manner and my heart skipped a beat.

"Bye Nicole." I responded, my heart breaking a bit more, knowing this may be the last time I see her in a while. She closed the door behind her and I remained a minute before slowly driving away, meeting with her eyes again.

I made my way home, arriving and instantly going back up to my room to sulk before leaving tomorrow to do interviews in LA and New York right after.

I laid on my bed, closing my eyes and instantly seeing Nicole's face. I furrowed my eyebrows and turned around to grab my phone.

I pressed on a bookmarked website, the Daily Mail News article, rereading what Nicole had written not too long ago.

'I made a mistake. We all make mistakes, and mine was unforgivable. I lied to everyone, masking my true self, and I especially lied to Shawn. I write this message because I am not the person many of you have seen in those images. That was a past reflection of myself that wanted to be heard and thought what I was doing was okay. My past self not only hurt me, but hurt my brothers, Shawn, his family, and his fans. I hurt a lot of people along the way, I guess I never really realized what I was doing, but at the same time people hurt me. The picture of me with another guy was orchestrated by someone who's blood boiled with envy and hatred. I was constantly taken advantage of and treated without respect when I was at my lowest and most vulnerable point in my life, leading to substance abuse. I understand why people are mad, why Shawn is mad, because I'm mad at myself. I let myself go way to far and I am here to apologize. I am not the person I was and I hope my story will help those who may be struggling as well. I am a recovering alcoholic, but that is no excuse. I am trying. I am so sorry to the people I have hurt. Shawn, I am so sorry I hurt you, what happened is inexcusable and you deserve way better than what I offered you. I'm sorry I wasn't truthful and I hope this message can serve as closure. Words cannot explain how much I wish I everything was different, but know that I will forever hold you in my heart as the person who taught me it was okay to love. I cannot change the past, but I can change my future. I'm truly, deeply, sorry and I love you.'

I sighed turning off my phone and looking over at a picture I still had up of Nicole and I. I felt a single tear slide down my cheek and I quickly got up to take it down, throwing the frame against the wall causing it to break.

"Shawn? Everything okay?" My mom knocked and came in to see the mess I made.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be loud." I sighed and sat on my bed defeated.

"You saw her today didn't you?" She sat next to me.

"Yeah, she was just there and Hunter came up to me."

"I'm sorry hun, I know how much you hurt."

"I don't even know why I hurt mom."

"You need to forgive her that's why, you're holding a grudge that's blocking you emotionally."

"It's just so hard." I leaned my head on her shoulder and she caressed my cheek.

"Don't judge her based on her past mistakes, she has learned from it and grown into a woman, forgive her for her faults because she's human too." She said and I nodded, wiping away a few tears off of my face.

"You're not mad at her?" I asked and she shook her head.

"No, because I understand that when she went through all those things she was not herself and she had a reason as to why she went through them." She slightly smiled. "I understand she was taken advantage of because she's a good person and she deserves better, so try to forgive her."

"I'll try, but I can't promise I'll be able to do it."

"Okay." She kisses my forehead. "Are you ready to leave tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I just need to get my clothes ready."

"Okay, your dad and I are going to dinner, do you want to come?"

"If It's okay, I kind of just want to stay home, I'll order something."

"Okay babe." She smiled, brushing my hair with her hand and kissing my cheek. I smiled and she left my room, leaving me in silence.

I had to forgive her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it face to face. I couldn't bring myself to do it at all.