Bad Reputation | S.M.

Chapter 50

"Shawn please, hear me out!" I begged him, basically pleading.

"Hear what out? How you could not tell me these things? And the fact that I had to read it on social media infuriates me Nicole!"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, trust me I was going to." I stood up and tried to hold his hand, but he held them up, not wanting me to touch him. "I just didn't know how to without you reacting this way!" I explained and he shook his head. 

"I thought you could trust me and that I could trust you!" I could see his eyes glisten.

"You can! I-" I hesitated, not wanting my fears to come out. 

"You what?" He stared at me, looking for an explanation.

"I was scared! I was just scared." I sighed. "I'm not the perfect person, I never will be, I've made mistakes in the past Shawn. Mistakes that have defined me these past few years."

"But why couldn't you just tell me? I am your boyfriend. Now I don't even know what to think!" He said and I sat down as I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Do you even love me?"

"How the fuck can you possibly ask me that?" I gasped and a tear slid down my cheek as I stood back up, shocked that he would ask me a question like that. "There's no doubt in this world that I love you because you're the first person I've ever loved Shawn and for you to doubt my love for you, hurts."

He sat down on my bed and looked down while I wiped my tears away.

"You know what, I can't do this right now, I'm going to go get some air." I sighed and walked out of my room, slamming the door shut behind me. I ran downstairs and didn't even explain myself to the kids as I ran out of the apartment. I made my way down to the lobby and ran out, being met with tons of paparazzi flashing their cameras at me. I put my hand in front of my face and ran to the park that is behind the apartment complex.

I was crying like crazy and I sat down on one of the swings, hugging my body tightly. My heart was beating a mile a minute and my hands were shaking as I started to hyperventilate. I closed my eyes, crying quietly, as I felt myself losing it.  I know I should've told him, but I just don't want to lose him, even though I think I just did. 

My swing shifted slightly and I looked down, my arms still wrapped around me until I could feel myself calm down. I wiped away my tears, gasping for a deep breath. As I took that deep breath in, the swing on my left moved and Shawn sat down, placing his hands on his lap and fiddling with his thumbs. The tension couldn't be cut with a knife. I sighed before speaking.

"I didn't start drugs because of attention you know, it just happened. I needed something to take away the pain."

"How old were you?"

"I was sixteen, after what happened with my mom I felt alone so I started with weed, but then I got into the heavier stuff. I put my brothers through so much hell, especially Jacob, but when social services took them away from me I knew I had to stop. Before I could turn seventeen I went to my first substance abuse meeting. It took me time to get everything out of my system, but thank God I was able to and I can now say I'm a year sober."

"What about alcohol? I know you still drink."

"I drink when I want to, but I know how to control myself. Especially with you, when I'm with you I don't want to drink." I lied, knowing that's still a problem in my life, but telling the truth about him. "I know this is hard Shawn, trust me it was for me too, but I got through it and I'm better now."

"What about all those guys? How do I know you haven't done anything?"

"I haven't been with a shit ton of guys because I wanted to Shawn. I was young and I made a stupid mistake that cost me my reputation. One dumb mistake made me the class slut! I was high as a kite and I was taken advantage of." I stood in front of him and exclaimed. "I let it happen because I was dumb and naive and I thought I knew what I wanted, what I needed, but I was completely wrong. I was used and after that, it just got worse. Everyone wanted to get into my pants because they thought I was easy and each time I was high or drunk I became the target. From then on I knew I had to stop and they all became rumors because this girl's boyfriend fucked me one night that I was high as hell and she was pissed off because he told her that I basically threw myself at him! The way you know that I haven't done anything is because you're the person who made me feel loved again, the only guy I have ever loved! And if you can't see that, then this was all a mistake."