Marthe Woertman Imagines

Save Me - Noah Kahan

* - lyrics

⚠️ slight trigger warning ⚠️

Marthe was in the same friend group as I am. I've always felt something towards her but never let myself dwell on my feelings. I've always hidden my true self from everyone I've always been able to hide the depressing side of myself from everyone. Recently the thoughts in my head have been rough, I've been feeling more and more emotionally exhausted and it has been so bad that I felt physically tired as well. To everyone else I was this happy go lucky girl that was always cheery and smiling. I was once like that..I wish I could get her back but I don't even know what true happiness feels like anymore. Every night when I would get home I would breakdown and cry myself to sleep. And in the morning I would wake up and feel like a zombie and drag myself to school. I've started to feel weaker, my fake smiles would falter and I would try my best to keep it together. I've noticed a few times Marthe glancing my way but I would just think that maybe I looked weak and she was concerned for my wellbeing so I would sit up straighter and act like I'm ok when really I wasn't. Slowly I would detach myself from the group more and more so I had to fake it less. Today we were all at a campfire, I got too lost in thought and suddenly everyone around me sounded muffled and I suddenly felt so alone even though I was surrounded by all my friends. It was so quiet my ears started ringing I closed my eyes tight just wishing it would go away but it didn't. I quickly excused myself to go to the bathroom which really I just wanted to go for a walk. I walked far enough so that they couldn't hear me and I sank down on one of the trees and cried. "Gosh why now?! Your so fucking weak! Why couldn't you wait." I said to myself angry my breakdown had to happen now. I put my arms around myself and just trying to cry enough to have some relief and as I do so I unknowingly start to dig my nails into my arms. "Hey are you ok?" Marthe said coming closer but I was so lost in thought I didn't hear her. When she got close enough and saw what was happening she grabbed onto my wrists to pry my hands from my arms. At first I didn't budge but when I realised I have been found out my arms go limp. "No." I say it coming out as a whisper. I look at the ground in shame and feeling vulnerable being at my lowest point and anyone seeing me like this. Marthe tries to go to hug me but I push her away and run further down the beach. "No..nonono." I mumble to myself as I ran. When I was far enough I fall to my knees my mind going crazy with thoughts of 'what will she think of me now?!' 'Is she gonna tell everyone?!' 'Fuck!' More tears run down my face as I clench my fists into the sand. I hear someone running towards me and I get up to start running again. Before I could start running Marthe grabs my wrist gently. I hang my head down in shame. Marthe rugs at my wrist for me to get closer to her but I don't budge. Marthe goes to stand in front of me wanting to hug me but afraid I'll run off again. So she stood there and held my wrist gently afraid she would lose me again. "Why? Why bother? I'm just weak and stupid." I say voice breaking half the time from all my crying. "Because I care about you." Marthe says in a desperate tone hoping it would get though to me.
*Why do you keep reaching for my hand?*
*Do you see something I can't?*
*Why do you keep trying to save me?*
"What's so great about me? I'm not important! If I left no one would miss me no one would care! Why waste your time?!" I exclaim not understanding why should would run after me, I'm not worth it. Marthe grabs my face gently with her hands on each of my cheeks and forces me to look her in the eyes and says "You are amazing! You ARE important! I would miss you! I care about you!" She then takes a deep breath then breathes out and finishes by saying "I love you." She says loud enough for me to hear. We stare into each other's eyes for a few moments but then I remember this was only a peak into the mess I really was. I started to shake my head then took her hands off my cheeks and put them down. "I can't..I can't start loving someone else if I can't even love myself." "I can't..I won't drag you down with me. I'm a mess and you only know me as a happy go lucky girl and well I lost that part of me a long time ago..I don't remember what happiness even feels like." "Don't waste your time on me, trust me I'm not worth it." I go to walk away but Marthe blocks my path. "Marthe please your just gonna end up hurt and I don't want to hurt you." I try to walk away again but she still tries to stop me. She could tell I wanted to leave but at the same time I didn't. I could easily just run off but I didn't. "Please don't go. Let me in.."
*And sometimes, I pray
That maybe I'll will change into who you
think I am.*
Before I could respond she surprises me by hugging me tight I never realised till this moment how alone I've felt in such a long time. Tears pour out of my eyes as I cry out letting all the pain just flow out I almost let myself go limp but Marthe caught me before I would fall. I cry into her shirt letting myself let go for once and let someone comfort me. When I finally stopped crying I felt numb. Marthe continued to rub my back soothingly. "Hey come on let's get you home." Marthe says gently squatting down gesturing for me to get on her back. I get into her back and she lifts me up with no struggle at all. I then softly admit "I don't wanna go home looking like this." "Is my place ok?" Marthe suggests. "Ok." I say feeling too exhausted to care about anything else right now. Half way to Marthe's house I fall asleep in her back.