I can't remember the last time I ate. I haven't been able too, ever since Ryan died. My appetite and cravings just disappeared. A piece of me died when he did, and I feel like I'll never be the same.
Although, the other piece of me is trying to loose weight and since I can't work out, I'm lowering my diet and calories. I know it's bad not to eat, but I hate my body, and I'm embarrassed to be around Melo when I look like this.
The room was dim, and I recognized my bed to look unfamiliar. Hubby hasn't slept beside me in the past month. I told him it would be better if he slept in the other guest room. I love him for giving me space even if it's driving him crazy. I love how much he respects me. I just can't sleep beside him every night knowing I haven't been eating or taking my pre-natal vitamins.
I feel so fucking depressed....and the only way to get rid of this feeling is to get back on my meds. I want to be normal again. I want to be happy. I want to spend time with my family, and feel my husband touch me again. It's the only way.
My feet detoured from the bed to the bathroom where I looked in the medicine cabinet. There were no orange containers, meaning Melo must've took them. My frustration was growing into anger. He wants me to be normal, but hides my meds when I need them most. My brain was starting to pound with a headache, and I searched the bathroom quickly. My hands threw everything that wasn't a transparent orange container on the tile. By now I was crying. I just want one thing....and I can't fucking find it.
My feet quickly moved back into the room where I searched all of Melo's drawers. I threw his clothes on the bed, and sprawled them around the floor. Although, just when I was about to give up, there was a rattling sound coming from the inside of his sweatpants' pocket. My knees slowly dropped to the floor, and I crawled to the cotton clothing. My fingers shakily pushed inside of the safe spot, and appeared with a perfect, prescription container.
Lani don't fucking do it.
I need it.
No you don't.
Yes I do.
I was going back and fourth with my conscious. Half of my brain couldn't stop thinking about my family. But the other half couldn't stop thinking about how good I'll feel afterwards. Nobody will even know that I took them....
My trembling hands unscrewed the white top, revealing a whole refilled receptacle of anti-depressants. I'm usually prescribed to take three, but I need them to work faster.
I'll take six.
The water I needed was across the room, so I decided to dry swallow each pill. I've done this many times before, but the tears running down my cheeks, and the lump in my throat is making everything even harder. I forced the white capsules down and gulped. My back rested on the edge of the bed while I continued to sit on the floor. I felt looser. Free.
They were definitely kicking in, but I haven't eaten a real meal in so long.....Nausea took over my body, and I felt dizzy. I couldn't stop shaking, and I started to wonder what was happening. My eyes were becoming blurry, and a cold sweat took over my glands.
I'm overdosing....
The last thing I felt was my belly contorting with the movement of my baby inside. I placed my hand on top of the bulging stomach, and the container of pills separated and spilled all over my lap. Although, that's not what I'm worried about....
I'm so sorry Adeya.
In this moment I realized there wasn't anything else I could've done to stop this. It was inevitable. I've never been a good fit as a mother. I wasn't raised with love, so there's no way I could reciprocate and teach it. I build off of Melo, but right now, he's not here. Drugs are. Drugs will always be here. They'll always be what I need. They'll always be what I want.
