LOVING THE DEVIL [02]

Chapter 20.

CHAPTER 20: fear

[bruh, why does this night last more than two chapters?]

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"I walk into a crowded room

Everybody staring

What did I, what did I do wrong?

What did I, what did I do wrong?"

I sang as I watched myself play the piano with ease and I could actually thank those lessons I had as a child because even when I hated them then, they were quite useful now. As a child, I had many hobbies due to my parents. They wanted me as preoccupied and as far away from them as possible and I was so stupidly naive because of that.

There was no one in my life I could trust and the people I thought I could just ended up stabbing me in the back until I was so sure no one was the problem except me.

"He said, she said, over it

You're acting like you're brilliant

But you don't know

Yeah, you don't know"

Everything I did was always a mistake and everyone belittled me because of the things I did. The staff that worked for my parents look down on me like I was some animal, my family were embarrassed to have me around and even my own parents thought I was nothing but a liar for the majority of my life; lying for attention is what they always assumed.

"You don't know a thing at all

You don't know about the way I am when I am all alone

You don't even know

The way I care, the way I've grown

You don't know about the way I love so deeply to my bones

You don't even know me"

My eyes fluttered shut as I felt the spotlight upon me, cold and isolating as it always has been. Then they opened again and I saw my father sat there, a proud grin on his face which ignited the one on my own face. Finally, though...I can live peacefully knowing at least my father was proud of me regardless of everything that happened before.

Singing was never my forte even though I used to have singing lessons as a child. My mother thought getting involved in extracurricular activities would make me an even more likeable person than I already was—which I wasn't, but that's not the point. That's how I developed my fright for other people due to constantly seeing them getting replaced right in front of me.

I was so used to performing, though that I hardly noticed people came by and went away again. Nothing was ever permanent for me, but the pain of being lonely just never left; it was always there like a dark cloud looming over me. That's why I preferred ballet solos compared to group numbers. I was always just by myself and I didn't have to worry about people I've become attached to be replaced.

This song became easier when I learned to just ignore the crowd and focus on myself like I've always done with everything else. I sung as best as I could for the sake of not embarrassing myself in front of everyone and gave it my all.

"You don't know a thing at all

You don't know about the way I am when I am all alone

You don't even know

The way I care, the way I've grown

You don't know about the way I love so deeply to my bones