Wild Side || N.S.

★ fifty sixx ★

          These past few months have been ridiculous. I was worried pregnancy wouldn't be smooth sailing, and I was right. But that combined with Nikki's new sobriety journey has been a lot to deal with. 

I am so happy that Nikki has stayed sober and on track, but there will be days where I need his help and he just shuts down and forgets about the world. I'm trying my hardest to be happy for him because this is a huge accomplishment for him -- for anyone really. But I'm going through a hard time right now as well. This is my first time being pregnant and I'm scared. Don't get me wrong, I am happy that we're having a baby together. But, I've never felt more alone than right now. I never know what kind of mood Nikki is going to be in. I never know if he's gonna be around or lock himself in our room. It's hard taking care of the house, myself, our baby, and Whisky without any help. And to make it worse, my hormones are being a bitch and I cry for literally no reason most days. 

And today, has been one of the hardest days in a long time. It's driving me crazy. Working my ass off, feeling alone in our home, and constantly feeling guilty that I'm not happier or more supportive. This is supposed to be the happiest days of our lives. And here I am, sitting on the bathroom floor crying out of frustration.

Maybe we rushed into this. Maybe Nikki and I aren't ready to be parents. Maybe we should've waited and let Nikki focus more on his sobriety. I haven't gone to a single meeting with him. He had even suggested we go to Al-Anon together so I could learn more on how to help him during his recovery and be more understanding. And I haven't gone once. I am literally the worst. Since then, he hasn't asked me again. Fuck. What if he doesn't think I support him at all? What if my selfishness makes him relapse? What if he ends up overdosing? FUCK!

Before I knew it, my fist had connected with the closest wall and I let out a yelp of pain. I cradled my fist into me and tried my hardest not to make any sound but the tears kept coming. I was such a mess. 

To think, five months ago, I was on tour and loving my life. Now look where I'm at. 

I must have dozed off because when I opened my eyes, the sun was setting. I stirred to the door opening slightly. I looked up to see Nikki standing there staring at me in shock. 

"Baby, what the fuck is going on?" He said in surprise, kneeling down to my level and taking my hand in his. "What did you do?" his voice raised in concern.

"I just keep fucking shit up," I cried, not able to even attempt to keeping my emotions in check. I was stuttering and blubbering but I couldn't help it. I had this bottled up for a little over a month and I needed to let him know where I was at. "I feel angry and sad and useless every day. I feel like I'm not supportive enough of your sobriety. I feel so lost because I have no clue what I'm doing when it comes to being a mom. I feel like I'm alone every time you shut me out. And I'm sorry but it's just becoming a bit too much. And all I do is think. Like ALL. THE. TIME. I'm tired." 

Nikki stared at me with wide eyes, processing everything that I practically yelled at him. He pulled me into a hug and I just sobbed harder, soaking his black New York Dolls tee shirt. 

"Honey, I am so sorry for all of this. You have been nothing but understanding and supportive. This is all new to me and sometimes I forget that this is all new to you too. I'm sorry that I shut you out. I've been just trying to work on things but I do need to communicate more and better. So I'm sorry, I'm gonna work on that. Please point it out to me when I start doing it, I swear I won't get mad. My therapist brought it up to me that I do things without even noticing how it could affect others. And I don't want to be like that anymore. I love you, Maria. I fucking love you." 

I pulled back and looked up at him to find his eyes glossy with tears threatening to fall from his beautiful brown eyes. I lifted my finger up to wipe one from falling, which made him smile and let out a breathless little laugh.

"I fucking love you too, Sixx. But what the hell have we gotten ourselves into?" I asked.

"I don't know babe, but I'm glad I'm doing it with you." he chuckled, pulling me in for a kiss. I kissed him back, hard. 

When we pulled away, I smiled. "Me too, Nikki. Me too."

. . .

A/N: So uhm, hey there. 

First of all, I am so sorry that it took me over a year to finally update this story that has become my pride and joy. And THANK YOU SO MUCH for over 200,000 reads. Holy shit, what a gift to come home to.

I have been gone for well over a year to get sober, PROPERLY. I needed help. Drastic help. I won't get too much into it but I'm happy to say that I've never felt more alive. I'm still working at it but I have been sober for about two and half years now. And I'm feeling great.

I have quite a few more chapters to add to this bad boy, thank you to everyone for sticking around and being patient with me. I love you all and I couldn't be happier to be back. 

Take care of yourselves and each other, xo.