Queen Bee

November 2002 (3)

"Marshall, can ya bring me Des' pacifier? I think it's on the table!" Angel yelled from the living room that was currently jam packed full of all the kids, the boys, Zoe, and Betty. 

"Yeah!" I yelled back mindlessly, eyes preoccupied with the little orange pill bottle that was gripped tightly within my palm. I had been trying all god damn day not to take anything, it was my son's fuckin' 1st birthday for christ's sake! I shouldn't be gettin' high right now... But I need it. I can feel myself slowly starting to get sick. If I don't take this, there's gon' be a lot bigger issues than just me bein' high. Whatever. Fuck it. I can hide it. I've been gettin' better and better at hiding it ever since Angel started bein' all bitchy about it. Or at least I think I have... She can still notice sometimes. Nah, it'll be fine. 

"Marshall!" I heard Angel yell again, obviously tryna get me to hurry up. 

"Yeah baby, I'm comin'!" I yelled back once more, popping the cap off of the bottle as I simultaneously walked over towards the table. Throwing four of the Valium into the depths of my throat, I grabbed the pacifier and headed back towards the living room after shoving the bottle deep into the pockets of my sweats. 

"Dada!" Des babbled happily as soon as he noticed me, arms reaching out for the pacifier. 

I laughed, kneeling down to his level as I put the pacifier into his mouth. "Thanks, baby. I think he's startin' to teeth a lil' bit. He was havin' some attitude with Hai before ya gave that to him." Angel said as I moved beside her, plopping myself down onto the couch. 

"What? Really?" I asked confused, that does not sound like Des in the slightest. 

"It's true, daddy. I wanted to play with my Barbie but he ripped it right from my hand and then stuck her head in his mouth." Hailie said sadly as she came up towards me. 

"Aw, baby, I'm sorry. He ain't mean it." Running my hand over her tiny head, I tried my best not to laugh. "Uh, his cake's ready if ya wanna do that now. We just needa light the candles." I turned my attention back to Angel. 

"I can do it, guys! I got it." Zoe quickly interjected as she got up from her seat beside Denaun. 

"Are ya sure?" Angel asked as Zoe walked past her towards the kitchen. 

"Yep!" Zoe yelled back. Shrugging, Angel swiftly picked up Des from off the floor, placing him in her lap as we all continued talking amongst ourselves. The music was playing lowly, the kids were all having fun together, even Nate who decided to bring his girlfriend was having fun. The boys were all just casually drinking together, and overall it seemed like everyone was just having a good time together. Which is actually kind of impressive considering it was a 1-year-olds birthday party, but still I was grateful nonetheless. 

We had done presents a little earlier on in the day, and holy shit is this kid ever spoiled. Not even by Angel or me! Most of them were Zoe and Betty! It honestly seemed like they just went to the toy store and bought essentially fuckin' everything. He's one! He still thinks his big toe is the most interesting thing he's ever seen! Oh well. At least he's got people who love him, I guess. 

"Haaappy birthday to you!" Zoe's high-pitched singing voice came from around the corner just as I was mid-conversation with Betty. Immediately, everybody began joining in and Zoe kneeled down in front of Des, who was still on Angel's lap, so he would be eye to eye with is cake. Looking confused as all hell, Des had absolutely no idea what was going on, but eventually realizing all the attention was on him, he started giggling and smiling like crazy. 

"Ya wanna make a wish, baby?" Angel asked Des. "Come on, let's blow out the candles, okay?" Holding onto Des tight, Angel leaned forward and gently blew out the candles for him. Within an instant, everyone began to clap, and Des started giggling once again. "Good job, baby!" Angel cooed, leaving numerous kisses on the top of Des' head as Zoe took the cake back out to the kitchen to be cut and served. 

As the party continued on for about another two hours or so, Angel was getting more and more noticeably pissed off with me. I don't think anyone else could tell, considering it was just little things that I knew she always did when she was angry, but still I was fully aware. While I was fully aware, I was slightly too high to care at this point. The Valium had really started to set in about an hour ago, so I honestly wasn't caring about much right now. I kinda felt too good to care. Fuck, how many of those did I take again? I haven't felt this good since I started taking Valium. Whatever amount that was, that might have to be my new regular dosage. 

"Okay bye! I love you!" I listened as Angel yelled one last time to Zoe before shutting the front door, and finally for the first time all day, we were left completely alone. Well, as alone as you can get with still all the kids in the house, but thankfully they had all retreated downstairs after everyone started leaving to go play. 

"Baby?" I called out as I watched her walk directly up the stairs, clutching a sleeping Des as close to her body as she could. 

"I ain't wanna talk to you right now." She stated bluntly, her heavy feet crashing against the wooden steps. 

"Baby come on! What did I do?!" I yelled again, but this time there was zero response. Inhaling a deep, and already exhausted breath, I rolled my eyes. She'll come back. I'm sure she's just puttin' Des down. Sure enough, just as I expected, two minutes later I heard as her feet stomped all the way back down the stairs, and she headed directly into the kitchen. Getting up from the couch, I quickly followed her in. "Ya gon' tell me what's wrong or nah?" I asked, maybe a bit too harshly but seriously. What the fuck is her problem?! 

Just as she was about to start picking up the trash from off of the island, she quickly spun around on her heel. "Nah! Why don't you take a wild fuckin' guess, Marshall?! I'm sure ya could figure it out!" 

"I can't if ya don't fuckin' tell me!" 

"Show me what's in ya pockets! Come on! Show me!" She gestured her hand in a gimmie-gimmie fashion. 

"What the fuck do ya mean?! I ain't got nothin' on me!" 

"Yes the fuck ya do! Show me! I can see it right there!" Pointing towards the outline of the bottle, I quickly felt nerves start to set in. How the fuck does she know?! I thought I was hiding it so well! "Come on now! If you ain't got nothin' to hide!" 

I let out a loud, frustrated yell as I quickly dug into my pockets, pulling out the bottle. "It's just my fuckin' pills! I ain't take any all day!"  

Ripping the bottle away from my hand, she quickly slammed them down on the floor as hard as she could, thankfully though, due to the cap, none of them spilled. Instead, the bottle just bounced around the laminated tiles a few times. "BULLSHIT!" She screamed, tears beginning to brim in the lower half of her eyes. "Even on our lil' baby boys 1st birthday, you couldn't even STAND the idea of bein' sober! You just HAD to fuckin' take them, didn't you?!" I watched as those same tears quickly began streaming down her face, but yet I felt nothing. Maybe I was just too high to feel emotions, but that's exactly the point of the pills, isn't it? "DIDN'T YOU?!" She screamed once more, her hands quickly flying to my chest as she shoved me back a few inches. Standing there, I once again gave her no response. Instead I just stared at her deadpanned. "You don't even fuckin' care..." She said quietly as her voice turned hoarse, tears continuing to run down her cheeks with no hesitation. "YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKIN' CARE WHEN I'M TALKIN' TO YOU ANYMORE!" She screamed again, shoving me back one or two more times as her tiny hands beat themselves against my chest. 

Continuing to stand there, I decided I couldn't watch this shit anymore. I had no energy in me to fight, and all she was doin' was just cryin' with her head in her hands, refusing to acknowledge me. "I'm sorry." I mumbled, bending down to quickly grab the bottle from off the floor. "I love you." Reaching for the back of her head, I gently pulled her close to me as I left a kiss on the top of her hair. 

"Get the fuck off me!" She abruptly shoved me away as she swatted her hands.

Complying with her demands, I just pulled myself away as I turned around and began making my way out of the kitchen, back towards the upstairs. Jesus christ I need a nap. My head fuckin' kills.