Queen Bee

December 2002 (1)

Ever since mine and Marshall's fight on Des' birthday, things have been... Weird. We never talked about it again, and I guess at this point, we've sorta just chosen to sweep it under the rug. After he left me crying in the kitchen, I decided I had to just pick myself up and try to move on. This shit clearly isn't changing anytime soon, he never listens to me about it, so what's the point in getting into another fight? I've been trying for damn near two years to get him to stop with the pills! But he just refuses and instead makes me out to look like the bad guy. So you know what, as long as Marshall's still Marshall, and he's home, and I have him here, I'm sure it'll be fine. Maybe the boys are right, maybe I am just being dramatic about it. Maybe it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be in my brain. But still... I'm having a hard time shaking these feelings. It's almost like he doesn't wanna mature, like he's not ready to grow past his partying days as if he doesn't have me and five kids at home waiting for him every fucking night. Ugh. I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking too hard about it. He loves me, and I love him, so that's all that should matter, right? 

Still though, things have been feeling definitely out of the ordinary. It's almost as if we both have a chip on our shoulder constantly. Like we could break out into a fight at any moment, but we haven't since then. I guess we've sort of just been beating around the bush with each other, which I imagine is likely a symptom of never revisiting the fight. But I mean we still kiss, we're still talking, we're still having sex... So it can't really be that bad. I don't know, once again, I'm sure overthinking it. Maybe it's only me who feels this sort of tension between us, but since we haven't talked about it, who really knows?

Regardless of mine and Marshall's weirdness, I was feeling super excited because Christina's new album dropped today! While I was really really happy for her because she had told me that this record was a complete switch up from her first album, I was also really happy because that meant our song got dropped as well! I still had yet to listen to track outside of my verse, but I knew it was gonna be so amazing, especially with Christina's vocals on that beat. Marshall can say what he wants about her, but the girl can sing, that's for damn sure. 

Inserting the CD into mine and Marshall's big, three piece stereo we had conveniently placed in our living room, I silently thanked Christina's team for sending me a copy in time for the release. I wanted to listen to the album in it's entirety, and I didn't want anything to be accidentally spoiled for me while listening to the radio or something. While I wanted to listen to the album from top to bottom, I did cheat a little bit first and go directly to our song. After it's done, I'll just go back to beginning, I thought. Our song's only the second on the album anyway, I'm not missing much except an intro by doing this. No harm, no foul, I suppose. 

"You ready, baby?" I smiled to Des as he happily sat on the carpeted floor playing with one of Hailie's favourite barbies that she had left behind before going to Kims. All he did was smile back and say, what I'm pretty sure, is an attempt at yes. Clicking play on the second track, the extremely pop sounding beat that I had fallen in love with began to fill the entire room. 

Quickly scooping up Des, I spun him around before perching him on my hip and swaying us across the room. As he giggled, I heard Christina's voice start to come in and I began listening intently. Fuck, her voice sounds so strong. She really is amazing, isn't she? 

Humming to the beat, me and Des continued dancing for a few seconds until I heard something that sounded rather suspicious. Drawing my eyebrows together, I stopped in my tracks continuing to listen to the verse until it was quickly cut off by the hook. 

Slowly walking back towards the stereo, I pressed the rewind button and that same beat started from the very top again. 

"So what am I not 'sposed to have an opinion?/Should I keep quiet just because I'm a woman?/Call me a bitch 'cause I speak what's on my mind/Guess it's easier for you to swallow if I sat and smiled/When a female fires back/Suddenly big talker don't know how to act/So he does what any little boy would do/Makin' up a few false rumours or two/That for sure is not a man to me/Slanderin' names for popularity/It's sad you only get your name through controversy/But now it's time for me to come and give you more to say."