Queen Bee

July 2005 (2)

As the tour has progressed on, I've slowly but surely found myself start to get more and more sick. All the drinking we've been doing, the pills, the length of the shows, being in a new city every night, it had all been starting to take an incredible toll on my body in ways I've never even thought possible before. My stomach hurts constantly, if I don't take pills right before I go to bed I wake up and I start vomiting, and I've even found myself start to shake if I don't consistently take them. Honestly, it's actually starting to get really scary and I don't know what the fuck is going on with me. 

And not to mention, my mental has become absolutely shot. I'm depressed as fuck, I never wanna do anything outside getting fucked up, I've been late to almost every rehearsal so Paul's been really starting to get on my ass, and I don't know why, but somedays I've been finding myself just laying in bed and crying for hours on end. I just feel like my life is so fucked up right now, in almost every aspect of the fucking word. I'm also coming to realize I think I just overall haven't actually ever dealt with a lot of the bullshit I've been through in my life. I've always just sort of shoved it down, masking it with drugs, girls, money, booze, work, all of it. They've all become a sort of remedy for me in their own individual way and it's just really starting to fuck with me I think. 

The more and more I think about continuing on this tour, the more and more anxiety that thought gives me. All I wanna do is just be home. I hate touring. I fuckin' hate it. I was really starting to hate it near the end of the second leg, but I figured I was almost done, so it was fine. I continued on with it, and then I got to go home to Angel who always just gave me so much stability. Even if our relationship wasn't stable, she was, and I leaned on her whenever I wasn't feeling stable myself. But now that I don't have that sort of security in my life, I feel like I'm fucking spiralling, and tour has just exacerbated fucking everything by I swear a million times.

But right now, at this time, I really don't have any idea what the fuck to do about it. I can't leave tour, I can't go home, I can't stop taking the pills since my body almost fucking shuts down if I even go more than five hours without them... I don't know. I feel like I'm just stuck right now, and it's fucking terrifying. I don't know how I got into this mess! Everything was fine. I was fine. And then this fucking tour started and nothings been fine since. 

I've been putting off talking to anyone about this since I'm just so fucking nervous of what Paul would say, or what Proof would say, or what Fifty would say, but I feel like I'm at a point now where I at least need to talk to Paul otherwise I have no idea what might happen to me. I'm scared of myself, at this point. My body's betraying me. I really feel like I might fucking die if I don't do something, and I think thats how everyone else is looking at me too, which is just the shittiest feeling in the fucking world but what can I do about it?! They're right! I'm sick right now and I don't know whats wrong! I need help of some sort, but no ones offered me any. So I guess it's just my own responsibility now. 

Laying in the large, but yet somehow extremely uncomfortable hotel bed, I had purposefully missed rehearsal when I had woken up for the seventh time in a row straight and vomited. My body was vibrating from feeling so sick, and thanks to the pills, I had been in and out of consciousness all day. Honestly, I think they might have been black outs 'cause I really don't remember much other than waking up. I had about two hours until the show started, and the only thing that was giving me was anxiety. There's no way in fuck I can preform like this tonight. I had stayed in bed hoping I would feel better by now, but nope. Not a chance. 

Knowing I had to at least text Paul soon and tell him I didn't think I could do the show tonight, I completely forgot about it when I passed out for probably the sixth time today. Being jolted back to consciousness by the sound of my door being slammed shut, I just hoped to god it wasn't someone here to murder me. There's no way I can fight off a murderer right now.