Queen Bee

December 2007 (4)

Being out of the hospital for only a few days, shit's been difficult. It's hard to move, I can barely do anything by myself, and I just feel weak. I know I feel weak 'cause of the overdose, the doctors told me that would happen, but what they didn't tell me was how little I'd be able to fucking sleep. It's scary, considering that was how I even got into the pills in the first place, but it's even more scary to sleep. What if I don't wake up? What if I die alone in my bed and no one finds me until morning? What if I go into a coma? Logically I realize if any of those things were gonna happen, they'd already have happened by now, but still. I'm terrified. I never thought I'd be so scared of the idea of dying, and actually, I wasn't. I wasn't until it almost happened. In fact, I think I was almost welcoming it for awhile there, but now I'm realizing, I don't wanna die. I can't die. Not yet, anyway. I still have so much to live for. My kids, my career... Fuck, even myself! I wanna live for myself 'cause I deserve it. 'Cause Proof deserves it. He didn't get a second chance at a life, but I did. Instead of wallowing in self pity about losing my friend, I realize I can still keep him alive through me, through my own life. Or at least that's what Angel says... But I believe her. It's true. And if I look at it  that way, then it's almost like I'm wasting both mine and Proof's life. But I refuse. There's still too much I gotta do. There's still too much we gotta do, and I'ma make sure it gets done even if I gotta go to hell and back, I don't care. It ain't just about me now, and it was never just about me. Self-pity will always have you thinking otherwise, but I ain't doin' that shit anymore. Not now, not ever again. 

As Christmas was slowly coming to a close, I felt exhausted. Not because it was a big day by any means, in fact, Angel did everything in her power to make sure it was as stress free of a day as possible for me, but purely just because my body's so fucking run down. I didn't realize at the time what I was doing to it, 'cause honestly, the pills kept me far too numb to even feel any sort of pain, but now that I'm being weened off them, I definitely do. Stomachaches, body aches, headaches, any sort of ache you can name, I got it. And it makes it even more difficult now that I'm not allowing myself any sort of painkiller, not Tylenol, not Advil, nothing. So, upon realizing I had even sort of been abusing them to a certain extent, I just knew I couldn't touch anything anymore. Not if I wanna actually get clean, that is. 

And I do. I'm determined to get clean even if the detoxing fucking kills me. I don't care, I'm not doin' this shit anymore. For years I've been an addict, for years I've been the shittiest fucking person probably ever to walk the face of the earth, but I'm done. I want my life back. I've wasted so much of it being high, that I can barely even remember the last few years. I don't know when I went so fucking downhill, but I did. And I did fast... It hurts, honestly. Knowing all the shit I did. All the people I hurt. Hurting myself.  It sucks, and it's a really shitty reality to live in, but I gotta. I gotta face it, 'cause if I don't, then I have no reason to get clean anymore. And that would hurt more than any of this bullshit ever fucking could. 

"Aight, you good?" Angel asked, tucking a pillow behind my lower back as she tried her best to make me as comfortable as possible on the couch so I could watch TV now that Kim had come to pick up the girls, and Des had been put to bed. 

"Yeah." I nodded. "Thank you." 

Flipping to the channel she knew I'd wanna watch, she passed me the remote. "Okay, I'm gonna go get your meds, I'll be back." Turning on her heel, I watched as she made her way out of the living room towards whatever secret hiding spot she had been keeping the prescribed medication my doctor had given me to help with the weaning process. When I was told they wanted to put me on a Methadone program to assist with the detoxing, my immediate reaction was to say absolutely the fuck not. I mean, that's the exact shit I overdosed on! But apparently, it was either that, or I'd be at a major risk of dying considering just how reliant my body had become on the pills.