Queen Bee

April 2007 (1)

Hiii! Just wanted to leave a quick *trigger warning* for any who may need it. This chapter does deal a bit with homophobia, and if that triggers you in any way, shape, or form, please, please, please do not read! As usual, I am always here and more than happy to let you know what you missed if you choose not to read the chapter, all you have to do is message me :) Thanks, everyone!

Laying down on my large, black leather couch, my eyes were becoming heavy thanks to the incredibly tranquilizing amount of pills I had taken not even two hours ago. Feeling as my breathing became shallowed and calm, my mind was turning blank while the random movie I had been watching continually flashed across the screen. This is perfect. This is exactly how I've always wanted to feel. Numb. Non existent. Empty. Many might not agree me, actually I think most people would say feeling empty is worse than feeling sad, or angry, or whatever other negative emotion you can think of. Which makes sense, 'cause if you're empty, there's no room for happiness. There's no room for improvement. But I don't want that room. I don't wanna feel anything anymore, good or bad. I just want neutrality, 'cause neutrality is how you protect yourself. If you're neutral towards everything in life, you never face disappointment. You never face depression. You never have to face the true monster of who you've become. And that's exactly what this sedative state gives me. That's exactly what the pills give me. And honestly, it's beautiful. 

It's beautiful, but it also has its dark side. And I've learned, it's dark side... Is really fuckin' dark. Its dark side is constant stomach aches, rapid weight gain, the loss of your friends, the loss of your family. Fuck, it's even the loss of your willingness to live. Sometimes I feel like at this point, if I were to just overdose one day, it might not be the worst thing. It might actually be peaceful, not being alive. I mean, I try to achieve the closest thing to death everyday by taking these pills, no? So why not go all the way? Why not alleviate everyone around me of the sheer torture that I've caused them? Even my kids. I know I'm not the same dad I once was. Fuck, I'm not even half that dad anymore. And I know they can tell that. I know they can see that. It's gotta hurt. I mean, shit, it hurts me. It's gotta be hurting them just as much, if not more. So maybe instead of continually hurting them, I just ceased to exist. Sure, it'd hurt a lot at first, but over time, it'd lessen. They're still young enough to bounce back from that. I'm not. They have Angel and Kim to break their fall. I have no one. I'll never be able to bounce back from Doody, that's been made incredibly clear to me over the last year. Actually, a year almost to the day. Fuck. 

Fluttering my eyes almost completely closed, I knew I could be no more than only a few minutes away from dreamland. Sinking my body further into the cushion, I wondered if this was the moment? Would this be it? The last time I closed my eyes? Am I taking my last breaths? If I'm lucky, maybe. 

Just as I felt my last muscle begin to relax, a loud buzzing coming from the coffee table quickly earning every last tendon in my body to tense. Huffing out an annoyed breath, I flung my hand across the wood, quickly grabbing the stupid vibrating device. 

"Yo!" I barked, keeping my eyes glued shut in hopes whatever this was about could be dealt with in under a minute. 

"Chill the fuck out, I haven't even said anything yet!" Angel's annoyed, familiar voice swirled around my eardrum. 

"Oh, fuck, sorry. I'm tryna sleep. I thought you was Paul or somethin'." I grumbled. 

"Nope, just me." She stated harshly before trailing off for a moment. "Listen, I needa talk to you 'bout somethin'." Quickly, her voice turned from sharp and stern, to almost nervous sounding? 

"What? Those promo pictures?" I asked, rolling over onto my side as I continued to keep my eyes tightly shut. Within the last few days, some new up and coming rap chick from out of New York released the promo pictures for her mixtape she's dropping, and immediately, everybody noticed how suspiciously similar a few of them looked to Angel's iconic ones she had done for her first record, Hardcore. I remember one of them, where she was squattin' down and had her pussy on full display, even had the murder rates in a few prisons go up 'cause dudes was apparently killin' one another for a copy of the poster. And naturally, it looks as if that's the most damning one that this chick seemed to have copied.