Queen Bee

May 2007 (1)

Laying on my couch as I patiently waited for Nate to bring food over for us, I couldn't help the immediate reaction of my eyes rolling all the way into the back of my skull as Angel's annoying ass face flashed across my screen. I swear to god, at this point it's almost like these TV channels have a vendetta against me with how often I run into her shit. Doesn't she take a fuckin' day off anymore?! It's just interview after interview, cameo after cameo, and right now, music video after music video. I mean, I remember her telling me about all the different features and remixes she was doing, but do music videos really have to be recorded? I guess it's only one, but still. It fucks with my mind seeing her everywhere, all the goddamn time. And the only thing I can ever think about when I do see her is just the image of her fucking Alicia goddamn Keys. And it's not in the hot way, either. It's in the 'how the fuck could she do that' way. How long has she been into girls and just never fucking said anything? Was she just lying to me the whole time we were together? Is that why she was always so hyper sexual? She felt she had to play this role of some extremely fuckin' straight girl by throwing her pussy around to the public? I don't know, but honestly at this point, I'd rather her just fuck Royce again. At least then, I wouldn't have to question whether she was actually ever into me or not. Whether she actually even loved me or not. 

I mean, I know she told me she's bisexual, but what the fuck? How can someone's sexuality just change so quick? And so outta fuckin' nowhere? I feel like I was blindsided, 'cause I was! I remember when we had that three sum together, and she was definitely into it, but I thought it was just kinda for me? It was my birthday, so I just figured she was tryna do something sexy for it. Maybe that shoulda been my first clue all along. As soon as I watched her finger that bitch, I shoulda known. But yet, the thought of her being a lesbian never even crossed my fuckin' mind.

Regardless, it's clearly my own fault, and I guess I gotta just sit with that reality. But it sucks. It's shitty. I mean, fuck, I'm still so in love with Angel that it hurts. I think about her every goddamn day, I run through our years together in my brain as if it were a movie... So what am I supposed to do now that she's gay? Just fall outta love with her? I've tried that. It never fuckin' works. But maybe the thing that's been keeping me attached to her is the thought that one day, she could still come back to me. But I don't think she ever will now. She can't, obviously. If she likes chicks, she likes chicks, but fuck... Why'd she have to act like she didn't for so long? 

Keeping my eyes glued to the Let It Go music video she had done with Keyshia Cole and Missy Elliot, I couldn't help but notice how good she looked. And honestly, it pisses me off. She looks exactly like she did when she was twenty-two, but not me. I don't look anything like how I used to. I've gotten fat, and just... Fuckin' old. I've gained damn near sixty pounds, and I fuckin' look like it. I don't work out anymore, I barely even get out of bed at this point, and honestly, it makes me really sad. If Angel wasn't attracted to me before, she definitely wouldn't be now. No chick would be now. That's why I haven't even kissed another bitch since Proof died. I can't. I have no confidence left. But you know what? Maybe I deserve it. 

"Fuck you doin' watchin' this for?" Nate's deep voice asked from behind me, earning an immediate jump as I clutched at my chest, feeling my heart rate beginning to speed up. 

"Man, what the fuck?! I ain't even hear you come in!" I yelled in a panic, snapping myself around to face him as he began his distinct cackle. 

"I'm sorry! I thought you woulda heard me." He laughed as he sauntered his way towards me, two large McDonalds bags in hand. 

"Nah, dude. I'm too busy watchin' Angel fuckin' ruin my life." I muttered bitterly, grabbing one of the bags from him as he sat down beside me. 

"What? Why? Is she dissin' you?" He asked inquisitively, pulling his warm cheeseburger from the bag.