Queen Bee

July 2010 (2)

Being on tour again, it felt good. Sure, it was only for three days split between Switzerland, Scotland, and Ireland, and sure, I was scared like hell going into it, but overall this last day and a half has been pretty amazing. The first show went incredible, and everything just feels so much more... In control, then how it used to be. When I was touring before, everything was chaotic, and hectic, and I barely got any sleep let alone a minute to just myself. But this time, everything felt just right. Having Angel with me felt right, only doing three shows felt right, and finally realizing that I'm strong enough to do this again, felt right. It was all just so seamless, and it forced me to remember why I fell in love with performing to begin with. Why I fell in love with hip hop to begin with. The energy. The crowds. It was surreal being able to witness it all again, and I just felt so proud of myself. I finally feel like an artist again, like a performer again, and realizing I can do all this shit without being high or drunk all the time? Pure bliss, is the only way I can describe it. I'm just so confident, so comfortable in my skin again, and I'm so fucking thankful.

"Baby." Feeling Angel's gentle shoulder nudge against mine, her soft tone broke me from my day dream. "Baby, which one you like better?" She inquired, her curious eyes meeting mine as she pointed to a worn magazine page holding various wedding flowers. "This pink, or this pink?" 

"Ain't you already pick flowers?" 

Groaning, she tossed her head back against the large airline seat. "Yeah, but the florist didn't have the original shade of pink I wanted in stock, but now she does so she's offering to let me switch but now I'm too attached to the other shade of pink." Turning her head gently, her features melted into a small, sad pout. "Help me." 

Chuckling, I pointed to the photo featuring the light pink flowers. "I like these ones better."

"The girls like these ones better." She countered, pointing to the opposite photo. 

I laughed once more. "Are they gettin' married, or am I?!" 

Smiling, she giggled in response. "You are." Leaving a quick peck against my lips, she closed the well-loved magazine before dropping it on her lap. "I'll call the lady when we land." Intertwining her arm around mine, our hands folded together as she placed her chin gently on my shoulder. "So how you been feelin' 'bout all this? You doin' okay?" 

"With what? The wedding?" I asked, my brows drawing into a confused frown. I am more than okay with everything with the wedding. Actually, I'm ecstatic. I just wish the fuckin' day would come sooner.

"No, tour." 

"Oh." I nodded in understanding. "Yeah, yeah, I'm good. It's cool bein' able to get out there again and have it not be so like... Stressful? I guess?" 

"Mhm." She nodded back. 

"And especially havin' you here just makes it so much fuckin' better. Like I just feel so comfortable, it's nice." 

"Yeah." She nodded once more. "Yeah, I get that." 

"How 'bout you, though? Are you likin' bein' on tour again?" 

"Yeah, of course. Obviously it's been a minute since I've done anything massive like this, but I love it. I love bein' out here with you. And now that Des is old enough, and I ain't feel so guilty about leavin' him all the damn time, it's a lot easier." 

Nodding, I thinned my lips as I felt a wave of remorse begin to wash over me. "Yeah, I know... I'm sorry you weren't able to really perform before this." Turning my head, my shameful eyes fell upon hers. 

"Marshall, you have to stop apologizing for shit." She gently but sternly stated. "Not everything is your fault, and what happened, happened. We can't go back and change it so we have to move on and just accept it. We're different now. You're different now. You're not that same person anymore, so stop apologizing like you are." 

I sighed. "Baby I know, but-" 

"No, there's no but, Marshall. You can't keep living in this guilt, it's not healthy for you, and it's not healthy for me. I know how sorry you are, and as long as you continue growing and evolving, that's all I need. I chose not to tour in '05 'cause of Des, it had nothin' to do with you-" 

"Yeah, 'cause I was already out tourin', then I ended up in rehab." 

"I still coulda toured, Marshall." 

"And then who woulda taken care of Des?" I deadpanned as if I had finally tripped up her bullshit excuse. Releasing a deep sigh, she averted her eyes away from mine. "Look, I know you ain't like talkin' 'bout this, and it makes you upset-" 

"It does make me upset." She quickly snapped. "We've rehashed this a million times, Marshall, it's not beneficial anymore. You were sick. Please show yourself a little kindness and stop reliving this shit, you don't need to. All you need now is like I said, to just continue to grow and evolve. Be a good person. Be a good dad. Be a good husband. Those are the things you need to be doin' now, and you are! You're amazing in every sense of the word. Stop short changin' yourself just 'cause of what happened in the past, it doesn't matter now. I promise you." 

"Aight, well what 'bout the kids? 'Cause I can promise you it's gon' matter to them in a few years when they grow up and realize they gotta go to therapy over me. Even Lainey I can already tell-" 

"And we'll cross that bridge when we get there, Marshall. But you've already been so good about bein' open with them, and answering any questions they have. Des might be another story when he starts wonderin' about what happened with me and you, and whatever else, but like I said. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. They all love you so much, they just want you to be okay. That's it." 

Sighing, I nodded in understanding. "I know, you're right. It's just hard, 'cause like- I'm so excited to be on tour again, and I've been feelin' really good 'bout everything, but I guess there's still an aspect of it that kinda triggers me a lil' bit. Forces me to relive everything, y'know?" 

Tightening her fingers around mine, a look of empathy took over face. "I know, baby, I know. But that's part of the reason why I'm here, right? So you ain't have to deal with this shit alone. I got you for the rest of my life, please don't ever think that I don't." 

As a small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth, I gently unfolded my hand from hers, bringing my arm loosely around her neck as I pulled her close into my side. "I love you so much." I stated genuinely, leaving a soft kiss against the top of her head. "Thank you for everything you've ever done for me." 

Wrapping her arm tightly around my torso, she returned my smile as her love-filled gaze was brought up towards me. "I love you more than you'll ever know." Gently extending her neck, she placed her soft lips against mine as her fingers tugged at my hoodie. "Thank you for everything."

Continuing to allow my lips to be curved upwards, I carefully ran my fingers through her hair. "I can't wait to get home so I can marry you." 

Giggling, she offered that same smile back once more. "I can't either."