Queen Bee

April 2006 (2)

Waking up the next morning, Angel was still completely entangled in my arms, her tiny, shallow breaths indicating to me that she was still fast asleep. Looking down at her gently shut lids, the feelings I had boiling up in me were conflicting. I felt so much love, but so much grief. I felt so hopeful, but yet so hopeless. My entire soul was crushed into a thousand pieces, but it felt as if Angel was physically inside of me, slowly mending them all back together. She gives me peace, and sanity... She's calming. She knew I needed her, and she came. Without even asking, she ran to me, regardless of everything. Regardless of the fighting, of the disses, of me giving her fucking ring away to Kim. She came. She came 'cause I love her. And 'cause I think she might still love me. 

Gently reaching my hand towards the side of her cheek, I softly pushed the few rogue strands of hair away from her face so I could see her better. Just as I did so, her eyes flung open, and a sharp inhale escaped her lips almost as if I had scared her. "Fuck, you okay?" I asked, slightly panicked. 

"Yeah." She sighed heavily, placing her hand on her chest as she attempted to calm her likely racing heartbeat. "Sorry." 

"Since when ya become such a light sleeper?" My tone turn confused. Angel's never been a crazy deep sleeper by any means, but something as small as touching her shouldn't have woken her up. 

Shaking her head, she pulled away from me. "I don't know, my sleeps been shit for awhile now." I nodded in understanding, that's definitely new. "How're you feelin', though? How'd you sleep?" 

I shrugged. "Fine. I was real fuckin' tired yesterday, but-" I paused, feeling as an overwhelming cloud of sadness began to loom over me. "I don't know. I think the shocks startin' to wear off a lil' bit." I quietly deadpanned. 

"Yeah..." She softly agreed, a period of silence falling upon us, almost as if neither of us knew what to say. "Are you hungry?" Her tone turned slightly hopeful.

"No." I shook my head. 

She nodded, "me either..." That same soft, sad voice of hers returning as yet another moment of silence loomed. "Do ya want me to do anything for you today? Call anyone? I can check on the girls-"

"Nah." My monotone voice cut her off. "Just stay here with me." I quietly stated, my soft gaze attaching itself to hers.

She nodded once more. "Okay." She whispered, tucking herself back underneath my arm as her head and palm gently laid on my chest. Leaning down slightly, I left a small kiss on the top of her hair before extending my free arm out towards the nightstand. Finding the little orange, plastic bottle, I grasped it, bringing it back over towards me where I could unscrew it. Popping the lid off, Angel's eyes watched intently as I poured six pills into my hand. "Can I have some?" She asked in that same, quiet tone. 

My brows drew together in a frown as I paused for a moment. "No." I shook my head, knowing damn well she's just sad and wanting to get high, but also knowing that's exactly how this shit started for me. As much as I love these fuckin' pills, I've slowly been becoming more and more aware of how much absolute bullshit they've caused for me, and I refuse to let that happen to Angel. 

"Please? I've taken 'em with you before! And since when do you care if I get high?" She begged, watching me as I threw the small tablets into the back of my throat. "See, you just took like ten!" 

"I took six." I mumbled, reaching for the water that was also placed on my nightstand. 

"Okay, so just gimme like four then." 

Gulping down the water, I returned the glass to its coaster. "I said no." 

"Marshall, please! You ain't wanna be sober either right now, why ya makin' me?" She whined, her excruciatingly sad eyes peering up at me.