Queen Bee

December 2008 (1)

Christmas morning. It was Christmas morning, and I had been up for at least two or three hours doing absolutely nothing but just watching Angel as she peacefully slept beside me, admiring all her little snores and light sleep talking as if she were a hand crafted piece of art on display in the Louvre. I honestly couldn't help it. She's perfect, in quite literally almost every way possible, and I've just never been more thankful for a single person in my entire life. Maybe Doody. But Angel picked up where Doody left off. She picked me up. She gave me compassion, understanding, love. Sure, maybe at times it was tough love, but I needed it. She forced me to get my shit together, to grow, to become a man, and while I fought her tooth and fucking nail for years on it, still she never gave up on me. She loves me more than life itself, and I love her more than life itself. I know who I gotta be for her now. I know what kinda man she needs in her life, and I'm gonna be that for her if it's the last thing I fucking do. 

It hurts though, knowing how long it took me to get here for her. I just don't know how I never saw it. How I was too fucking dumb and selfish to realize what I was doing to her. A year ago, I was the most self-centred, miserable, vindictive little fuck to probably ever walk the face of this earth. It took me almost dying to finally understand what she had been screaming at me for years. What she had been spelling out for me for years, and still I didn't give a shit until I almost died. How selfish is that? Angel almost died herself. Maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. Definitely mentally. Definitely spiritually. I was actively committing murder against the woman I love the fucking most, but still I didn't care until it was me looking down the barrel, and no longer her. 

I wonder a lot what would have happened if Angel didn't get pregnant when she did. She had started fucking around with the pills too until she found out she was expecting, and honestly, I think Des might have been her only saving grace. We've done a lot of drugs together, and Angel never cared until she had kids to worry about. A family to worry about. It makes me sick thinking she might have went down the same path as me, and it would have been no ones fault but my own. I introduced her to those drugs, the same drugs that almost killed me. And if she hadn't gotten pregnant, she would have continued taking them with me, and neither of us would have thought anything about it. It's just unfortunate that she's the one that was forced to grow up and be the responsible parent while I continued on with my life as if I ain't have beautiful kids and the best fucking wife in the entire world all waiting for me at home. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for what the fuck I did, and truthfully, I don't think Angel should either. But she's ten times the person I will ever be, and all I can do now is just show her how grateful I am for her every fucking day until I take my last goddamn breath. 

Gently pushing a rogue strand of hair away from her soft cheeks, I couldn't help the overwhelming amount of love I had flowing through my veins. Our first Christmas back together as a family. No more shipping Des off for the holidays, no more drug-induced sedation just to get me through the fucking day, no more- "BOO!" Angel yelped, her eyes flying wide open as my body quickly jerked itself away in response. 

"Fuck you." I laughed, clutching at my chest as I felt my heart beating erratically. 

As she too bursted out into laughter, she quickly threw the covers off of her naked body, swinging her legs rather energetically over the side of the bed for someone who had just woken up. "I've been awake for twenty minutes, creep." She joked, marching her way into the bathroom. 

"So you just pretended to be asleep?!" I yelled back jokingly. 

Hearing her beautiful laugh echo off of the high walls, I swear that shit went directly to my heart, swelling it to twenty times its size. "Yeah! I wanted to see how long you were just gon' sit there and stare at me for!" 

I laughed. "Well come back! It wasn't long enough!" 

Swinging a random shirt of mine over her head as she essentially skipped back out, she quickly hopped onto the bed, landing directly on top of me. "Mmk. Stare away." She joked, placing her chin in her palms as she posed. 

"Aight, but you gotta be naked otherwise it ruins it." Earning another high-pitched laugh to leave from her tongue, she quickly rolled off of me and onto her back. Laughing with her, I turned onto my side so I could face her once more. "You happy today or somethin'?"

Keeping her wide smile plastered on her lips, she nodded. "Very." 

"Yeah, I can tell." I joked with just as large of a smile running across my features. Placing a wet kiss against her cheek, I quickly pulled away, yanking her up by her hand. "Come on, I wanna go wake these lazy assholes up." 

She laughed. "Baby, it's like six am. They ain't lazy, we're just old." 

Placing the balls of my feet firmly against the cold, wood flooring, I pushed myself off of the mattress. "Yeah, well, then they better wake up for our old assess." Heading directly towards the closet to grab some sweats and a hoodie, I yelled, "it's Christmas, motherfucker!" Hearing as she laughed once more, I quickly dressed my naked torso, throwing my sweats over my boxers before walking back out into the room. "Aight, you ready?" I asked, watching as she quickly tightened the jaw string to a pair of her pyjama pants. 

Happily, she nodded. "Yep!" Essentially running towards me, she swung her arms around my neck before planting a hard kiss against my lips. "Can you wait for a second though? I have a present for you." Flashing me the top row of her perfect teeth in persuasion, I chuckled at her eagerness. 

"'Course, baby." Giving her another quick peck, she quickly released my neck and speed walked towards the dresser. Watching as she dug through piles and piles of socks and underwear, I wondered how the fuck she had hidden something in there without me knowing?! I search through that goddamn dresser everyday. She's sneaky. 

Quickly snatching what looked to be a box from out of the very bottom of the drawer, she snapped herself around, holding the present tightly behind her back. "Okay, ready?" 

I nodded with a gentle smile. "Mhm." 

"Okay." Offering me that same smile back, she took a few steps towards me until she was within arms reach, gently pulling the black box from out behind her back. "Merry Christmas, baby." Smiling once more, I carefully grabbed the box from her tiny hand. Gently lifting the snug lid, my eyes remained locked on the present as Angel's remained locked on me. Removing the lid completely, my gaze immediately fell upon a long silver chain with a circular pendant holding a triangle right in the centre of it. The sobriety symbol. She got me a chain representing one of the hardest fucking things I've ever had to do in my entire life. How did she even know about this? Most people have never seen that symbol before in their entire life. Where the fuck did she find this?! "Is it weird? Do you not like it? I'm sorry-"

Abruptly tossing my arms around her, I aggressively pulled her towards me as close as I possibly could. "Thank you so fuckin' much, Angel." I replied, my tone becoming stern but genuine. "This means everything to me." 

"Really?" She asked in her most hopeful voice. "You like it?" Slightly pulling herself away from my secure hold, her questioning eyes met mine. 

"I love this more than you could ever fuckin' know, baby." Earning a soft smile, I was quick to replace it by pressing my lips hard against hers. "Thank you." I stated again in that same stern voice. "Seriously." 

Smiling once more, she left yet another peck against my mouth. "You're so welcome, Marshall."