Queen Bee

April 2009 (1)

April 20th. It was April 20th which meant I had officially been clean for one year. One entire fucking year I've been sober for, and honestly, I really have no idea how I've done it. I've craved like a motherfucker. I've felt depressed like a motherfucker. But yet, somehow, I made it. I really finally fucking made it, and the feelings that I'm feeling... I truly have no idea how to describe it. But I do know proud is an understatement. I feel empowered... Liberated... And so fucking happy. Like any problem in the entire world I could deal with head on, and I know I could fucking do it. Maybe I'm Superman? No, no that's just sounding stupid, now. Not to mention, Angel's ten times sexier than Lois ever could be. 

Feeling gentle fingers mindlessly trail through my scalp, my eyes slowly fluttered open as Angel's soft and loving features stared back at me. "Morning." She whispered, a very small smile tugging at her perfect lips. "Happy 1st birthday." 

Offering her that same gentle smile back, I wrapped a lazy arm around her waist, instinctually pulling her close. "Thanks, baby." Burying my face into the warm skin of her chest, I felt peaceful. Appreciated. Loved. 

"How are you feeling?" She whispered once more, securing both of her arms around my head almost as if she was attempting to shelter me. Protect me. 

Pausing for a few moments, I tried my best to find the correct words. I feel excited, but not. I feel proud, but not. I feel... "Calm." I husked against her skin. 

"Mm." She hummed quietly. "That's a good feeling." Nodding gently, I trailed my fingers down her bare spine. "Why calm?" 

"'Cause my life is calm." 

"Hm? How do you mean?" She questioned, encouraging me to continue. 

"Like..." Gently pulling my face from her breasts, her gaze landed upon mine as she continued softly roaming her fingers through my hair. "Everything is just calm. There's nothin' crazy in my life anymore. I'm at peace for what feels like the first time ever, and- It just feels fuckin' good." 

"Yeah..." She nodded in agreement, her voice still remaining soft and quiet. "It does feel good."

"Yeah, I don't know, I just-" Shrugging, I trailed off for a short moment. "I guess I never realized how outta control everything was 'til I got clean, and now it's like- I'm relaxed. There's just never any shit goin' on anymore, and I feel... Really fuckin' happy." 

She smiled. "You do?" 

"Yeah, baby. I do." Staring into her big, brown orbs for a moment, I paused briefly. "Do you?" 

As another small smile pulled at her lips, I noticed a light film of water start to cloud her vision. "I can't even fuckin' answer that without cryin'." She rasped, releasing an awkward giggle as her fingers worked quickly to wipe at the tears. "I do. I really really do." 

Smiling, I pulled her back into me once more. "So then what the hell you cryin' for?" I asked gently, tightly wrapping my arms around her body as she tucked herself into me. 

She scoffed at herself. "I don't know. It's stupid."

"Nah, it ain't stupid, baby." I said in that same gentle tone, softly running my hand over the back of hair. "I think you're just relieved." 

"Yeah." She nodded, her voice remaining thick and emotional. 

"I put you through a lot of shit, Angel. And today's a big day. You're allowed to cry if you need too." 

"I just-" Shaking her head, she sniffled before flickering her eyes up towards me. "I honestly didn't think we'd ever get back to this. I didn't think you'd get back to this. But now that we are, and now that you are, it's like- I just feel so fucking whole again. And prior to this year... That's something I hadn't felt in a really, really long time." Gently moving my hand towards her cheek, I softly ran my thumb under the wet socket. "So, thank you. You'll never know how proud I am of you."