Queen Bee

May 2004 (2)

Sitting at home all by myself, I had still been feeling like complete shit. I was sad all the fuckin' time, I was angry, I was lonely, I was hurt, and I just really fuckin' missed Angel. I missed her, but I hated her. I hated her, but I loved her. I wanted her back, but I never wanted to see her again. My feelings are confusing, and conflicting, but I have no idea what the fuck to do about it. I have no idea what the fuck to do about them, so instead of dealing with them, I've just been getting high. Getting high, getting drunk, fuckin' 'round with random bitches, anything to help forget about her at least for a night. 

Honestly... It's gotten so bad that I've even resorted back to Kim. I'm not proud of it. I fuckin' hate Kim. But she's easy, I know what to expect from her. She doesn't look at me like I'm the world's biggest fuck up the way Angel does. And she's been using again too, so at least now I have her to get fucked up with. Well, actually, I think that's the only way I'd be able to sleep with her considering how much I do truly fuckin' hate her. But at the same time, she gets me. She knows who I am and she doesn't try to change me. Angel only ever wanted to change me. She wanted to change the pills, she wanted to change how much time I spent at the studio, she wanted to change how much alcohol I drink. It was never fuckin' ending. But at least now with Kim, she just accepts it and moves on. She doesn't give a fuck, which is exactly what I need from whatever bitch I'm with. 

Although, don't get me wrong, I am no where near being in a relationship with Kim. It's just purely sex and someone for me to get fucked up with. That's all it is, and that's all it ever will be. I'd have to be fuckin' nuts to ever get involved with her in any sort of emotional capacity ever again. Although, it might be nice to have a girlfriend again. But I just know I can't do that right now. I mean, I literally just got my freedom back! Why the fuck I go and get into another relationship? Just  to have another bitch try to change me and control me? Nah, I ain't fuckin' think so. 

With my feet kicked up on the coffee table and the TV on almost full blast, I was barely conscious thanks to my Valium-induced state. Slowly, I began to melt into the couch cushions when I heard my phone start to ring from beside me. Peeling my eyes open, I looked over at the ringing device, debating if I should answer or just ignore it. Maybe they'll just hang up and leave me alone.

Continuing to stare at it, the ringing never stopped and after about the fifth ring I started to get annoyed. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed it and flipped it open. Ugh. Speak of the controllin', heart crushing, never fuckin' loved me bitch. "Yo." I greeted, my voice immediately coming out as flat and uninterested. 

"Hey, Marshall, it's me... Uh- Angel."

"Yeah I know who it is. Whatd'ya want? If it ain't 'bout Des I don't wanna talk-" 

"Can ya just listen to me please? Before jumpin' down my fuckin' throat?" 

Sighing, I rolled my eyes. "What, Angel?"

"Now, I know, this ain't none of my business... Y'know, we're broken up, you can do what ya want, but I- Zoe just called me-" 

"Yeah, what'd she say?" I asked, annoyed. 

A sharp gust of air blew through her nose, and I was immediately reminded of they way it used to crinkle up whenever she smelt something bad. Fuck that was cute. "Look, she told me you've been seein' Kim again, and like I said I know it ain't my place-" 

"Exactly, it's not ya fuckin' place. I'm single, I can do whatever the fuck I want, Angel." 

"Marshall I know that, but my point is she's not good for you!" She quickly yelled. 

"Nah! Ya know who ain't good for me?! YOU!" 

"Please just hear me out, she's takin' advantage of you! She doesn't love you!" 

"YOU DON'T LOVE ME!" 

"Marshall, I do! That's why I'm callin' you to try and get ya to stop this shit with her! Her intentions aren't good, she knows you're in a vulnerable place, she's usin' that against you to get you to let her back in! She's manipulating you! How do ya not see that?!" 

"And how do ya not see that you're just actin' like a jealous bitch?! If ya ain't want me to fuck anyone else, ya shoulda stayed with me, Angel!"

"It's not about me not wantin' ya to fuck anyone else!" She yelled desperately over me. 

"But ya couldn't fuckin' control me so ya left!" I yelled back at the same exact time, ignoring whatever the fuck she had just said. "And now ya still tryna control which is the fuckin' craziest part! We ain't together, aight?! I can do whatever I want, I can fuck whoever I want! If that makes ya uncomfortable, ya shoulda fuckin' thought 'bout that before ya left-" 

"Baby, please just listen to me-" She said weakly.  

"Baby?! Now who's fuckin' tryna manipulate me, huh?!" 

"Marshall, I'm not tryna manipulate you-" 

"Nah, listen to me, Angel. You're a disgusting, dirty fuckin' whore, and I'ma need ya to stay as far the fuck away from me as possible. I ain't wanna see ya, I ain't wanna talk to ya, I ain't even wanna breath the same fuckin' air as ya. You're good pussy, and that's all you'll ever be. Never fuckin' come at me with this jealous bullshit again 'less ya wanna spread your fuckin' legs for me, got it?"

"Fuck you, Marshall." She croaked one last time and instantly the line went dead. Good. Serves her right. Stupid bitch. 

. . .

Slamming down my phone, the tears flowed effortlessly from my perfectly winged and shadowed eyes. He's so mean. He's so ruthless. I always knew this conversation probably wasn't gonna go well, but like that?! He had to be high. There's no way he could speak to me like that if he wasn't. He's nothin' but balls of absolute steel when he's like that, and honestly, I'm sure he wont even remember it when he wakes up in the morning. But I will. I'll always remember that. Every mean and hurtful thing he's ever said to me has stuck to me like glue. I don't know why he likes tearing me down constantly? I was just tryna help. I know that bitch isn't good for him. I know she sunk her stupid fuckin' claws into his back at the first chance she could, and I know he's in too vulnerable of a state right now to do anything but allow it. I'm sure she's comforting for him. She doesn't care about him. She wont tell him to stop using. All she'll do is enable it and get high with him. I realize she's just a warm body for him to latch onto at night, but fuck it hurts. I love him so much, and I hate that he's hurting because of me, but god damn it, Marshall! Get it the fuck together! 

Staring down at my phone, I heard one of the photographers yell from beside me, "Angel, sweetie, you okay? We have another outfit change to do!" 

Sniffling, I snapped my head up towards the big, beautiful set The Source had put together for this shoot. "Yeah, I'm okay. I'm comin'." 

Patting at my under eyes, the photographer must have noticed my makeup was a little fucked up. Turning on his heel, he began looking around the room. "Where's the artist?! She needs her mascara touched up!" 

Cracking a light smile, I internally thanked him for getting someone to come and help me before I changed into my third outfit of the shoot, which I was actually really excited about. It was just a furry black and yellow bikini, matching the honey blonde highlights that had been put throughout my hair, contrasting perfectly against the long, black extensions. The entirety of the interview I had given was mainly just about my return back to music, and the spotlight in general after a three year long hiatus, so I was told the theme of the shoot was also going to be the return of the Queen Bee, which I absolutely loved. I thought it was so fitting, and I was so excited about it at the time, but after that conversation with Marshall, all I wanted was to just go home and be alone.