Queen Bee

June 2003 (1)

Marshall leaving for Europe today, was one of the most difficult fucking things I've had to experience in a long time. It was hard not only because he was leaving again, but also because we had been doing a lot better since he's been back home for the last two weeks. And I mean he's really  been back home for the last two weeks. Only going to the studio once or twice while he was back, he was with us pretty much the rest of the time. We would wake up together every morning, he was incredibly helpful with the kids, spending almost the entire day with them aside from when they had to go to school, and then we had sex every single night. Most days even in the mornings too when the kids didn't come to wake us up. It was just absolutely perfect, and exactly what I've been wanting and needing  from him for so long. Well. It was almost absolutely perfect, if it wasn't for those fuckin' pills. But, deciding I need to start picking my battles, especially after the night before Chiba, I chose to just try my best and let it go. It was hard, don't get me wrong, but everything else was just going so amazing the last thing I wanted to do was ruin it... And over the same damn shit, nonetheless. 

It's weird, though. I feel like I'm in a place now where I can either choose to continue fighting it, or to just let it be. Knowing me, I don't think I'll ever be able to fully let it be... But I just needed those two weeks so fuckin' bad that I was willing to do it. I guess we'll see how it is when he comes home, though. 'Cause if he goes right back into full blown work mode, I know for a fact I'll lose it. But for the mean time, all I can do is just hope and pray to god that he doesn't, 'cause who knows what the fuck will happen to us if he does.

Putting Des down for his afternoon nap, I remembered my dad called me a few days ago but I had completely missed it and forgotten to call him back thanks to the absolutely ridiculous tantrums Des has been throwing more and more frequently. Personally, I think it's because he's becoming aware of the fact that Marshall isn't around a lot and then it's confusing to him when he is around, but I would never tell Marshall that. Not unless I want another fight, that is. Or it could just be because he's a toddler, but I refuse to believe my baby would ever be anything less than perfect if there wasn't a reason for it. 

So, after gently closing his door so I wouldn't wake him, I headed downstairs to where my phone was mindlessly laid out on the couch. Grabbing it, I dialled my dads number before bringing it up towards my ear and making my way to the kitchen. 

"Angel baby! Finally ya found the time to call ya old man back!" His voice sounded as if he was joking, but knowing my dad, there was still some underlying passive aggressiveness to his words.

Forcing a smile, I wanted to make sure my tone wouldn't come off as rude. The last thing I want right now is my dad ruining my good mood. "Hey dad, how're you?"

"I'm good! How're you?"

"I'm good, I'm good. Sorry I didn't call ya back sooner, shit got busy with Marshall bein' home and whatnot." 

"Oh was he back home for a lil' bit?" 

"Yeah." I nodded. "He had two weeks off after Asia, and he just left this mornin' to Europe." 

"Well that's good, I'm glad ya two are doin' better after your fight." 

My eyes instinctually rolled into the back of my skull as I sat down on one of the hard, wooden bar stools that was pulled up to the island. "And that's why I ain't tell Aidan shit." 

"He's just worried 'bout you, Angel." 

"Nah, he just likes to gossip. I swear he's worse than some of the bitches I went to high school with." 

My dad laughed his deep, familiar laugh. "That's true. But so do I, so he gets it honestly." I laughed with him. Also true. "But no, I know he is really worried 'bout you." 

I scoffed. "As if I ain't his older sister, please." 

"Well that doesn't mean he ain't worried, Angel. Ai told me Marshall came home super drunk that night. And high. Is he doin' this shit a lot?" 

"No, dad." I quickly replied, annoyance beginning to course through my veins. 

"Are ya sure? 'Cause Angel, if ya think he might be startin' to become an addict-" 

Defensively, I yelled, "dad, he's not an addict! He's not you!" As soon as those last three words left my lips, I knew I had fucked up. Immediately feeling guilty, we both went silent for a moment and I swear I could feel my dad's hurt through the phone. "I'm sorry." My voice became quiet. 

"No, it's fine-" 

"No, dad-" 

"Angel, it's fine." He stated sternly and we both went silent again for a few more seconds. "All I was just tryna say was if ya think he is, ya either need to get him help or ya need to leave. You know better than anyone what it's like to have an addict as a parent, don't do that to Des. Him and Marshall will end up with the same kinda relationship you and I have."

"Dad, we don't have a bad relationship-" 

"Nah, I ain't think we did anymore, but I guess we still got some shit to work on." 

"I'm sorry!" I yelled desperately. 

"Yeah, I'm sorry too, Angel. Ya didn't deserve that kind of parent, but that's what ya got. Make sure Des doesn't have to go through what you went through." 

Nodding, I knew full well the guilt trip he was tryna send me on, and lucky for him it was working. "Yeah... Okay." My voice turned quiet once more. 

"Okay. Well, I love you." He paused momentarily. "Come visit us soon. We miss ya." 

Thinning my lips, my guilt grew even deeper. I haven't been back to New York since the La Bella Mafia release party. I know I have to go home soon, but when? With what time? If I can't even find a single day to start to working on a new record, when I can find a whole week or two to go to New York? It's never. That's when. "I know, I miss ya guys too." I said sadly. "Maybe you can all come visit for Christmas or somethin'." 

"Yeah, that'd be nice. I'd love that."

The corner of my mouth turned upwards into a small smile. "Me too." 

After a few seconds of silence, I listened as my dad cleared his throat. "Alright, well I should go. Let ya get back to ya babies." 

A rush of air blew through my nostrils, resembling a light laugh. "Well they're all at school or napping right now, but that sounds good. I'll call ya in a few days, okay?" 

"Okay. Love ya, Angel baby."

"Love ya too, dad. Bye." 

"Bye."

Bringing the phone down from my ear, I pressed the end call button and flipped it closed. Staring at my phone for a moment, a deep sigh rolled from my lips. Why did I have to get so fuckin' angry with him for no reason? It's not like what I said isn't true, but still, I know he just wanted to help. And... I mean... Maybe he has a little bit of a point? Is Marshall an addict? I know addiction better than anyone, this should be a no brainer for me, but I guess I just never really thought about it. Maybe? Could he be? Nah... He just refuses to grow up! That's what it is. He wants to still live care free, partying how we used to when we didn't have all these responsibilities. It's annoying, and makes my life a hell of a lot harder than it has to be, but he'll grow out of it eventually. I'm sure he will. And I mean, if anyone can get through to him, it should be me, right? 

Although... If I ever was gonna get through to him, it probably would have happened already, 'cause honestly, how long have we been fighting about those fuckin' pills for now? Years! Ever since he filmed 8 Mile! Fuck, is my dad right? Is he just a full blown addict now and I never fuckin' realized it before?! How did I not realize it?! How did you not fuckin' realize it, Angel?! Of course he is! Oh my god... He is my fuckin' dad. And he's right, if I don't do somethin' about it now, Marshall and Des are gonna have the exact same relationship as me and my dad. Fuck! This is not the time to put on the breaks, Angel. You have to fight now harder than ever. What if he fuckin' overdoses and dies one day?! What would you do?! What would you tell Des?! The only thing I could  tell him was that it was my fault and I didn't try hard enough, because that would be the honest truth. Shit... I might quite literally be the worst mom to ever exist... And girlfriend for that matter! Fuck, I might actually vomit.