Queen Bee

August 2003 (2)/September 2003 (1)

As my eyes slowly fluttered open, the first thing they landed on was a light wooden chair with green cushioning, parked directly in front of a large window that had beautiful white curtains flowing effortlessly from the ceiling, all the way down to the floor. Squinting from the extreme amount of sun that was being let in, I realized I didn't recognize the chair, the curtains, or the window. Slowly sitting up, I looked around the rest of the large room, equally confused by my surroundings until finally everything began to slowly trickle back and I remembered, I didn't go home last night. 

Laying back down, my head began to pound at thought of how angry Marshall is gonna be. Or it could be the fact that I downed five tequila shots back to back, but whatever it is, I just know I feel fucking horrible. 

As I stared at the ceiling, emotionally I felt numb. Thinking about mine and Marshall's fight last night, it wasn't even one of the worst ones, but I've just had enough. I feel so empty inside, like he's drained me of all my anger, sadness, happiness, and I have nothing left to feel at this point. This cycle that we're in is never ending, and I have nothing more to give into it. It's taken everything from me and honestly, I don't even recognize myself most days. Sure, physically I look the same... But emotionally? Spiritually? I have no idea who I am. Everything about me is someone else. It's Marshall, it's Des, it's Hailie, it's Lainey, it's Nate, it's Stevie, it's Aidan, it's my dad, but there's no more Angel left inside of me. I've removed pieces of myself to benefit everybody else, and I have nothing left. I'm a mother, I'm a sister, I'm a wife, I'm a daughter, but I'm not Angel anymore. I'm not that fiery twenty-two year old who couldn't be told shit anymore. I'm just... A skin suit. 

Continuing to just lay there and let my mind wander for a few more moments, I decided it was time to just pick myself up and head home with my tail between my legs. Regardless of how empty I feel, how unhappy I feel, I still have a life I have to get back to. I still have a child I have to get back to. And I still have a man who deserves for me to fight for him... Even if he wont fight for himself.

Slowly, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, balancing on the balls of my feet before successfully pushing myself off. Walking towards the bathroom, I knew deep in my heart I didn't wanna go home... But you have to, Angel. If not for anyone else, for Des. He needs you. Marshall can't take care of him the same way you do. If he had to he'd probably just feed him pizza and granola bars every day, quickly dunk him in a tub of water and say that he's clean. No, he needs me. They all need me. 

Turning into the large bathroom, I immediately spotted my cellphone, purse, and all my clothes that I had worn last night scattered mindlessly across the tiles and counter. Hm. So that's why I'm only in my bra and panties. Grabbing my phone, I flipped it open and immediately what looked to be at least twenty unread texts and missed phone calls came flooding through. Scrolling all the way to the bottom, I started with the ones from last night.

(1) Missed call from: Marshall

(1) Missed call from: Marshall 

(1) Missed call from: Marshall

From: Marshall

"Where the fuck did U go???"

(1) Missed call from: Zoe 

(1) Missed call from: Marshall 

From: Marshall

"I'm going home with or without U Angel!!!! I don't give a fuck!!!!" 

(1) Missed call from: Zoe 

(1) Missed call from: Denaun 

From: Proof