Queen Bee

April 2008 (2)

It was a week or so later since I had finally kissed Angel, and I swear, ever since then, I've felt like I've been on cloud fuckin' nine. We're still sleeping in different beds, still using different bathrooms, and we haven't even went any further than just kissing, but still. The thought of her finally being mine again after everything is all said and done? That's enough to have me feelin' on top of the world for a fuckin' week. And it has. 

But while I had been feeling so good about everything with Angel, I still knew it was all technically against the rules of getting clean. Even kissing. Anything sexual that could lead to the possibility of me becoming interested in someone was supposed to be completely, and totally off the table. But I'm not just interested in Angel. I love her. I've loved her for a fucking decade, and she loves me. There's gotta be some sort of leniency with love, right?... Right? 

Parking myself downstairs in my still untouched studio where I could hopefully have some privacy, I picked up my phone. Dialling Elton's number, I felt a little nervous for this week's meeting with him. I know I have to tell him about Angel, and that's the part that scares me. We fucked up last week by making out, I know that, and Angel knows that... But it was so needed. It felt so fucking good to finally have her back in my arms, feel her tongue passionately sliding over mine, tasting the salt of the skin on her neck. I wanted it, and so did she, but still at the end of the day, by the standards of the twelve steps, we lost control. 

"Marshall, my dear friend! How are you?" Elton's incredibly happy voice crackled through my speaker, earning nothing but a wide smile to be pulled at the corners of my lips. 

"Yo, hey, I'm good! I'm good, how're you?" 

"Oh yes, I'm fine. Me and David are just in France right now at our home trying to get some remodelling done before we come back to the U.S. next month." 

"Oh really? That's nice, what're you guys' wantin' to do to it?" 

"Just some new flooring and new windows, I think." I nodded to myself as he trailed off for a moment. "But anyway! Enough about me, let's talk about you. How have thing's been going? How was last week? I know the 20th you were supposed to be officially off your Methadone?" 

"Uh- Yeah, yeah, I am now. Thing's have been good. I was feelin' real fuckin' nervous for a few days though once I stopped the Methadone, but I'm gettin' a lot more comfortable, I think. Me and Angel have talked a lot about it, so that's been helpful for me." 

"Mhm, and what kind of things were you nervous about?" 

"Well, I guess mainly just the idea of havin' to be sober for like- The rest of my life, y'know? That's just such a big commitment to make." 

"Yes, I agree it is. That's why for me, I don't make it a life long thing, I make it something where I choose to commit to being sober every day. Because for the rest of my life, who know's what could happen? But I do know, right here, right now, I'm choosing to remain sober. And I likely will tomorrow too. But five years from now? I don't know what my life is going to look like, so of course I don't feel comfortable making that commitment to myself. But I do feel comfortable committing to myself today that I will remain sober, and I think, at least for me, that's the most productive way of looking at it rather than dwelling on what could happen."

"But how do you not dwell, y'know? Like I feel like that's all I do is just go over and over in my brain about what could happen? What if I relapse? What if I overdose again? What if I die this time?" 

"But there's nothing you can do right now, in this very moment, that will help alleviate anything in the future, Marshall. The only thing that you can do, is just choose to be sober for today. That's it. And tomorrow you choose it again. And the day after that, and the day after that. And of course, the goal is that hopefully all of those days will pile up and all of a sudden it will be five years from now where you can look back and think, what the hell was I so scared of? But as of right now, the only thing you can do is just choose sobriety. You can't force future Marshall to choose sobriety, only current, present day Marshall can."